Merriam-Webster defines “love” as “a species of frog found in the Lower Amazon, known for its bright coloration and hideous croak.” Merriam-Webster is not a very good dictionary. Welcome to Night Vale.

To catch you all up:

The family of Frank Chen sued the city of Night Vale over Mr. Chen’s death. The judge in the case gave the city one year to return a living Frank Chen to his family, exactly as he had been when he died, or the family would get complete control and ownership over the town.

Well, now that I’ve summarized that, it turns out it’s all moot because the city has declared that they have Frank Chen back, as good as new. “Oh yeah,” said the Sheriff. “It was easy. Almost too easy. Like, give us a challenge next time. Cuz we did this super fast and next time we want it to be more difficult.”

There is no word yet on how the city accomplished this, and we have not seen the living Frank Chen, so I cannot verify any of the claims involved in this story. But certainly I will keep you updated as this strange moment progresses.

In a landmark decision, the US Supreme Court has overturned the ban on wheat & wheat by-products. The case, Big Rico v. The Town of Night Vale, has been working its way through the courts for years, and all commentators agree that the case and its result are confounding. “What is this even about?” said one MSNBC legal correspondent. “Wheat & wheat by-products turning into serpents? Is this some sort of joke?”

Justice Michael Bay, writing for the majority, had similar sentiments. He writes: “We do not understand this case and we hate it and we hate you for bringing it to us.” He then said that of course no one could ban wheat & wheat by-products. The remaining fifteen pages of the opinion were doodles of ski-jumpers and cool airplanes.

We have yet to see what effect this shocking decision will have on Night Vale, where wheat & wheat by-products have been banned for almost a decade due to that one really bad day we all had with them.

I suppose we will just have to see what wheat does now that it has been released from its prison.

Well, consider me a believer. The Sheriff’s Secret Police brought out a shrouded shape, and with a lot of fanfare, provided by the Night Vale Middle School Orchestra (and if I’m honest, the fanfare was a bit pitchy), they pulled the shroud off. Underneath was indeed a living Frank Chen, appearing to be exactly like he was on the day he was last seen, those many years ago. “Hey,” Frank said. “It’s, uh, it’s Frank. Hi.”

Frank Chen’s family reacted with suspicion, asking to examine Frank more closely and question him about what has happened and where he has been, but the Sheriff dismissed the requests. “You wanted Frank Chen, here’s Frank Chen,” the Sheriff said. “Boom. Promise delivered. Another job well done by the city of Night Vale.”

Frank Chen then wandered off from the press conference stage to the Moonlite All-Nite Diner, saying he was starving. His family followed after him, muttering suspiciously.

“Yep,” the Sheriff continued, leaning against the podium and adjusting their sunglasses, “we really nailed this one. I think everyone owes us a big thank you. But hey, we don’t expect one. Doing the job is all the thanks we need. Unless anyone wants to thank us. In which case we will also be accepting small or large gifts.”

As the reporters filed out, the Sheriff was pumping their fist and shouting “hell yeah”. More on this, if there is more.

And now the community calendar.

Friday there will be a talent show at Dark Owl Records. Co-owners Michelle Nguyen and Maureen Johnson invite anyone with a talent to come display it for their friends and community members. “But,” said Michelle, “only if it’s a good talent. Please. Don’t embarrass us.” Michelle said that she will be displaying her collection of crocheted sweaters for hawks, and Maureen will be reading from her latest bestselling young adult mystery novel. See you there!

Saturday just says “The Storm of Knives.” So maybe carry an umbrella with you.

Sunday is pay what you want day at…ugh….Telly’s barbershop. This program is designed to allow everyone in the community, even those with less means, the opportunity to get bungled haircuts that look terrible. Telly said something about how all money received will be donated to mutual aid funds and local food banks, but I didn’t really listen because his voice is terrible and literally hurts my ears. So I guess if you want to give money to those in need and get a ghastly haircut, head on down to wherever his barbershop is. I’ve never cared to find out.

This Monday, the McDonald’s out in the sandwastes will be serving burgers and fries. This special menu is a test market for possible new options at the fast food franchise, that of course currently specializes in pizza. Personally I’m skeptical about this new direction, although I will say that their pizza is pretty good, for the price.

This Tuesday, my former intern Kareem (oh hey! Go Kareem!) will be giving a geography talk at the Rec Center entitled “We Live In A Shattered Universe And I Alone Must Mend It.” Anyone with a yearning to learn more about maps and, you know, map stuff, go check that out. So proud of our Kareem.

And finally, this Thursday is a Cake Sale in Grove Park to benefit people who make cakes and would like to get paid money for them. Go buy a cake for that great cause.

This has been the community calendar.

The family of Frank Chen has said that this new Frank Chen is nothing like the Frank they knew. “Frank was very into polka,” said Don Chen, Frank’s older brother. “Had a band he’d play with on weekends. Couldn’t get enough. This new Frank? Wouldn’t know a Slovenian polka from a Chicago Push. Basic stuff like that. This ain’t our Frank,” Mr. Chen concluded.

When confronted about this, the Sheriff defended their work: “Listen,” they said, “We took the genetic material from Frank’s body, and had a clone grown and then rapidly aged the clone using genome manipulation. So this is genetically identical to Frank Chen, and they have nothing to complain about. Ok, fine, he has only ever known the cold embrace of a laboratory and has only been alive a couple months, but no one is perfect.”

But the family has already made an appeal to the court, saying that a clone made through hideous abuse of medical technology does not fulfill the terms of the court’s settlement. We will see what the judge says. In the meantime, this new Frank Chen sat on a bench in Grove Park, eating a taco. He had never had a taco before, and when he asked what he thought of it, he said it was, I quote, “good”.

Wow, this is really getting intense.

Now obviously I, as a radio professional and the husband of a scientist, know all there is to know about cloning, but I thought some of you might be confused about what happened here and how any of it was even possible. I asked Carlos to join us, but our daycare had to close for the day due to snake rain, so he’s working from home right now.

But don't worry, I’ve brought on computer expert and general smart person Melony Pennington, to talk us through how this all works. Melony?

MELONY: Thanks, uh, Nigel, was it? It was Nigel I think.

CECIL: [muttering underneath, barely even trying to correct her] It’s Cecil.

MELONY: Cloning is a very simple process. Within all of us is something called DNA, which is a goo that tells the rest of the goo which way to ooze. I apologize for using technical language but there’s just no way around it. This is a very complicated subject.

So we take the DNA goo and we tell it, make another! And the DNA does. This is the clone. The clone looks and thinks like the person before, but the tricky bit here is that we are only a little bit shaped by our ooze. Much more so, we are the result of a series of tiny moments and decisions, the waft of air from this window versus the cold drift from another. The way the light glimmers on the wall just so. Whether or not we end up on a manned mission to Mars. These tiny decisions add up to shape a person, and the entire causal chain is impossible to replicate, even under the most careful of laboratory conditions. As a result, clones are ultimately failures, and in this way are very much like the rest of us after all.

Thank you, uh, Beauregard I think was your name.

CECIL: Nope, it’s Cecil. We’ve met many times before. Thank you, Melony.

The Night Vale Medical Board would like to remind you that soil is not technically food.

While we all agree that soil is delicious, a lovely rich texture with the zippy crunch of pebbles and bird bones. A loamy flavor that connects directly to the region’s terroir. A taste that can be best described as unmistakably earthy with undertones of grass and a slight woodiness from the tree roots. And it’s definitely sustainable, there’s gobs of the stuff everywhere, waiting for you to scoop up and cram into your mouth.

But, the Night Vale Medical Board is disappointed to remember, soil is not actually consumable. Even if you want to, said the Medical Board. Even if you really, really want to. Like oh my god, just let me at that soil, you know! joked the Medical Board. Only it kind of also wasn’t a joke at the same time. Just kidding, unless you’re into it. In which case, the Medical Board said, we can eat soil. We’ll do it if you’ll do it. Totally a joke, but also we are completely down.

This has been a public health announcement.

Frustrated by the Chen family’s protestations, the City of Night Vale has produced four more Frank Chens. “Yeah, we made a bunch,” said the Sheriff. “You know, in case it took a few tries to work it out. So I dunno. Here’s some more Franks. Any of these good for you?”

The four Franks smiled politely at the audience. One of the Franks waved shyly, and another turned to the third Frank and whispered something. The Frank Chen from this morning sat in the audience, watching. He was now eating his first grilled cheese sandwich and he said it was, I quote, “good.”

The family still maintains that none of these people are really Frank Chen, and in fact this entire experience is very horrifying for them.

So, let’s see how this goes, and in the meantime, here’s the weather.

Weather: “Movie Night“ by Jonah Myers, https://jonahmyers.bandcamp.com/

We return in the wake of a judicial decision. Judge Chaplin has heard arguments from both sides and has decided that the city has not met the requirements of her ruling. She had ordered that Frank Chen be returned, not a copy of Frank Chen, and so no matter how many clones the city tries to offer, none of them fit the requirements set forth in November. The Sheriff stomped their feet, said “phooey”, and then turned to the five Frank Chens and said “well good luck out there” and left the courtroom. The Chen family shook their heads in disgust and also left. The five Frank Chens seemed lost, unsure what to do next, but eventually they too wandered off, to live their separate lives.

The first Frank Chen moved to Maine. He liked that it sounded cold and distant. After everything he had been through, he felt he could use a little cold and distance. He got a job at a bank, which became a career at a bank. It turned out that Frank Chen was temperamentally suited to the job of sitting at a desk, staring at the same wall every day, for years and years. But sometimes, on weekends, he would travel alone into the Maine woods, until he wasn’t sure where he was, until every landmark looked unfamiliar. He would take a few silent minutes, in the heart of who knows where, his breath little clouds around his face, and then he would sigh and start the painstaking process of finding his way back home.

The second Frank Chen moved to Los Angeles. He had vague ideas about the movie industry, but no particular job in mind. He just liked the glamor of it. He didn’t want to be famous, but he wanted to be near fame. He moved into an apartment in South Pasadena, got a job with the city setting up and maintaining those machines that measure how many cars move through an intersection so the municipal authority can decide if the intersection warrants a stoplight. He liked that job, which took him all over the wide reach of Los Angeles, to neighborhoods he would never have otherwise visited. His interest in the movies dissipated, and he fell in love with the city as it really was. He married, and his wife went with him on trips up the California coast where they would take long walks near the Redwoods. He died at the age of 81 and was buried in Glendale.

The third Frank found himself in Kansas City, although this was not a conscious decision on his part. He just went off into the world and then next thing he knew, he had an apartment in Kansas City and a job washing dishes at a fancy restaurant in a fancy hotel. Soon he was making salads at that fancy restaurant, and then ten years later, he was sous chef. He had no real interest in food, but he found that he did have a talent for it. Eventually he married the chef, a beautiful French man who also had no idea how he had ended up in Kansas City, and they left the hotel to start their own restaurant, which they name Clarissa after their first child.

The fourth Frank Chen ended up in the town of Nelson, along the Tasman Bay on the south island of New Zealand. It would seem like there should be an interesting story for how he ended up all the way out there, but there isn’t. He just saw a photo of the area in a magazine, and decided to visit. And once he had visited, he liked it enough to never leave. He got a job at a smoothie shop but unlike his fellow Frank Chen, he found he had no aptitude for food whatsoever, so instead he became a yoga instructor. The town was a tourist destination, and full of white people interested in yoga and crystals, and so he did quite well. He was engaged to a tourist, a man named Paul who, coincidentally, was from Kansas City, but ultimately the engagement fell apart. In his old age, this Frank Chen took to making ornate stone piles on local beaches.

And finally the original clone of Frank Chen, the first one offered by the Secret Police: he stayed in Night Vale. Changed his name to Neal Lu, and did his best to just quietly live his life. He was a little embarrassed over the whole thing with the judge and the press conference, and he sometimes ran into people who had known Frank Chen, which was awkward. But he found he liked Night Vale, and was willing to experience awkward moments in order to continue his life there. Neal worked nights at the Ralphs, stocking the shelves. He eventually became night manager, then store manager, and then was invited to work at corporate. But that would mean leaving Night Vale, and he didn’t want to do that, so he didn’t. In the evenings, he wrote songs on an upright piano he bought from a church, but he was too shy to share the songs with anyone, except his wife Linda, who always reacted the same way: by hugging him and whispering, hot breath on his ear, “Oh Neal, I love it.”

Stay tuned next for our most popular program, the Incoherent Screaming Hour.

Goodnight Night Vale, good night.