Love is a many-legged thing with human skin and no eyes. Welcome to Night Vale.

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On Monday, the City Council, led by chair of the Community Guidelines Committee Tamika Flynn, unanimously passed Ordinance 8304-B, which states that the teaching and practicing of science within the city limits is a crime punishable by a minimum 2 years imprisonment and $2,000 fine. This law was enacted to stop Dr. Janet Lubelle and her research staff from the University of What It Is, but it’s not doing this at all. It’s only creating confusion among citizens of Night Vale.

All over our city, people are asking: What is science? Is archaeology science? What about baking? That seems like a science? Cars and pills were invented through science. Does that mean we cannot drive to work or take our medications? Boxing is called the “sweet science;” is it now illegal to punch people? There are more questions than answers.

Meanwhile, my husband Carlos, who’s now without any scientific work to do, has been calling me constantly, because he’s so bored at home. He called before my show started to say that this new ordinance hasn’t stopped the University of What It Is from practicing science while maliciously skirting the rules.

He said he’s seen Dr. Lubelle’s henchman Dr. Blake Jones all over town, wearing a variety of disguises. Carlos saw him buying coffee at the Spikey Hammer coffee bar. Dr. Jones was wearing a pasted on beard, a purple wig, and gimmick New Year’s Eve glasses in the shape of “2009.” Carlos saw him later that morning at Dark Owl Records, this time with a bald cap, a fake mustache made out of electrician’s tape, and a blue velvet chapeau.

Carlos described Dr. Jones as nervous and chatty. This is very shady behavior, and it needs to stop.

Night Vale, it’s clear that the University of What It Is is coming into town for data-gathering, and then conducting the actual science back in their trailer labs just outside the city limits. If the City Council is going to pass such draconian laws, they should at least specify that data-gathering is a key part of science, and should be illegal.

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And now an update on former mayor and radio station intern Dana Cardinal. The University of What It Is has the body that they believe to be of Dana’s double, or of Dana herself. Either way, Dr. Lubelle is determined to learn whether or not a murder was committed 10 years ago between doppelgangers. We do not know how long this process will take because of the law against studying science. And while we wait, Dana sits alone in a jail cell. I’ve been going over to her apartment every day to feed her plants and water her fish. Or is it water plants and feed fish? I forget. Either way, I want to take care of my dear friend.

If it is determined that the body is Dana’s double, she could face life in prison for murder. Maybe even the death penalty. I’m so worried for her. I know Dana says she’s fine. She tells me she’s so glad to finally confront this horrible moment from her past, and justice (whether guilty or innocent) will be a welcome closure for her.

Still I’ve offered to help her out by referring her to my own lawyer, Danny Vaquero. They’re the best in the business, I think. I’ve never met another lawyer so it’s also possible they’re the worst in the business. Either way, they’re definitely IN the business, and that’s enough for me. If you want to contribute to Dana’s legal fund, I’ve placed a cardboard box in front of the radio station, just drop any loose change you have in there, and I’ll make sure she gets it. (No coins please. Only twenty dollar bills or larger. Vaquero’s very expensive.)

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Carlos called me again. (He’s so antsy, without any science to do.) He said the mood around town is weird. No one’s talking to him, not even looking him in the eye. He can feel everyone’s judgment upon him as a scientist, even though he’s not doing science at all.

Carlos said he’s doing his best to signal to everyone that he is neither practicing nor teaching science. He’s wearing his “DARE TO KEEP KIDS OFF GEOLOGY” shirt. He’s also forcing conversations about his lack of scientific curiosity, saying things like “Hey there, Tim! Good to see you. Not sure what these puffy, dark clouds could mean. Must be some very angry god.” Or “Hello Maxine. Don’t you think birds must be magic to be able to fly like that? I sure do, because I’ve never given any thought to how anything works.”

Yet, he’s still getting wary stares from his fellow citizens. Carlos said he’s tired of being cooped up at home all day, but maybe he shouldn’t be out in public either.

Carlos, be careful out there. And Night Vale, lighten up. Our scientists have it tough enough as it is, what with all the physics and atomic weights and periodic tables. They don’t need to be nervous about getting arrested at Target for reading the ingredients on a box of Cliff Bars.

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I heard from my niece Janice the other day. She tells me her friend Josh Crayton is safe and sound. He’s been missing for nearly 3 weeks, and we were all very worried, especially since the University of What It Is expressed interest in studying him for his shapeshifting abilities.

According to Janice, Josh has been in California visiting his best friend, the Child of the Glow Cloud, whose given name is [distant sound of a fog horn], but who, as the only Glow Cloud which now exists, has been starting to go by the nickname, “the Glow Cloud”. Ever since their parent was explained away by the University of What It Is, the Glow Cloud has immersed themself in their studies at Stanford. They haven’t been able to come home, not even for their parent’s memorial services. It’s all been too painful.

Worried about his dear friend, Josh headed up to Stanford last month to cheer them up, and to keep them from returning home to Night Vale. Janice thinks they should both come back, because it’s important for friends and family to band together in times of great danger. But Josh knows that Dr. Lubelle would want nothing more than to explain away another enormous glowing cloud that drops dead animals and controls humans’ minds. So Josh is keeping himself and his dear friend safe.

And I think I agree with Josh. I hope they’re both okay.

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Listeners, I want to thank you again for the many kind and generous emails over the past few months. You’ve expressed sympathy for the management change here at the station. You’ve supported my attempts to defend our town from the University of What It Is. Thank you. It has meant so much.

But the winds have changed, I’m afraid. The past couple of weeks, I’ve been getting critical and sometimes even downright hateful emails from my listeners. And it all has to do with Carlos. You seem angry that I would protect a known scientist in my home, that I would defend this man on the radio, that I have evaded the fact that Carlos is an alumus of the University of What It Is.

Here's one such email from Morris Sanderson, which sums up the kind of correspondence I’ve been receiving. Morris writes: “Cecil, I’ve been a listener since you first went on the air. Your rant against the passing of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act was one of the finest segments of radio I ever did hear.”

Thank you, Morris. He continues: “But I find you almost unlistenable these days. This is a free country, Cecil. You cannot curtail the freedom of some citizens who wish to curtail the freedom of other citizens. If you curtail our freedom to destroy others’ freedoms, then you curtail our freedom. I’ve spent so many years listening to you while running my blender, and now my favorite hobby no longer brings me joy. I once smiled when I filled the jar with spoons and set the knob on Liquify. Now I only feel disappointment. You’ve lost a listener.”

Well, Morris, and all of Night Vale, really. I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t protect Carlos because I hate your freedom. I protect Carlos because I love him. He’s done nothing but be part of this town. His history with the University of What It Is is simply that: history. He’s no more a part of them than you are. Carlos has put down his protractor, set aside his slide rule, in solidarity with you, Morris, with this whole town, because he loves it here. I hope you can understand that.

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[phone vibrating sound] I’m sorry. It’s Carlos. Let me take this real quick.

Carlos? Honey. I’m on the—You what? Arrested? Why? Why were you practicing science in public?

[listening to Carlos]

Oh. They arrested you at the grocery store for calculating sales tax in your head? How did they know that’s what you were doing?

[beat]

Because you were singing your special little sales tax calculating song? Oh Carlos! I always found that so endearing, but now your own cute habits have betrayed you.

[beat]

Oh, yeah that makes sense. Totally. Calculating sales tax is math, and math is hardly a science. True. Okay, Carlos I’m coming to bail you out of jail. I’m pretty sure this was a case of the Secret Police targeting you, and not a good-faith effort to rid the streets of Dr. Lubelle and her team. So I think we have a legal fight ahead of us.

I’m so sorry, honey. I’ll be there soon.

I want to say something to you, Night Vale—specifically the Sheriff’s Secret police, Tamika Flynn, and the entire City Council. Your hysteria about science is misguided. It’s like that old saying: You’re cutting off your toes to spite your aunt, who has always loved your toes. They’re funny looking in the most adorable way, and you go and cut them off, upsetting both you AND your aunt.

This is a bad law you’ve created, and it’s cultivated an irrational paranoia against good people like Carlos. I’m very angry at you. But I remain most angry at the University of What It Is. They’re our true enemy, not science. I’m not sure you still agree, though, Night Vale.

Okay, I’m going to go bail my husband out of jail. Oh also I need to water Dana’s fish, too. Unlike our local government, I want to support my loved ones. So while I do that, listen to this song.

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SONG

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On my way to the jail to bail out Carlos, I stopped by Dana’s apartment to take care of her fish and plants. Inside I heard a noise. I ignored it at first, thinking it was just the wind or a mouse, but then I heard it again. It sounded like it was coming from the bathroom. Under the closed door I could see the shadow of someone’s legs moving about inside.

I should have been scared, but my only mood today is frustration, so I threw open the door, and found a man wearing aviator sunglasses, bright red lipstick, and an admirals cap. I saw right through this flimsy disguise. It was none other than Dr. Blake Jones!

I wrestled him to the ground and demanded to know what he was doing in Dana’s home. He explained that Dr. Lubelle needed Dana’s DNA to test against the cadaver. With the ban on science, she couldn’t ask the Sheriff for a sample, so she sent Dr. Jones to secretly steal some of Dana’s hair from a comb, or saliva from a toothbrush and bring it back to the lab.

I knew it, I declared as I started to dial the police for his arrest. But Dr. Jones said, “Wait.”

He began to cry and to apologize. He no longer wanted to do this. When I burst in, he wasn’t stealing anything, he was just using this time away from Dr. Lubelle to figure out how to quit, how to escape her maniacal grasp. She would ruin him, as she’s ruined so many others who have left her service. The way she’s trying to ruin Carlos now. Not merely by destroying him, but by destroying everything he loves.

Dr. Jones said he’s come to love Night Vale, too. He regrets his involvement in the explanations of Sarah Sultan and the Glow Cloud. He was so sorry about what happened to my Station Management and vowed to work the rest of his life for forgiveness. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever regain my trust or anyone’s trust, but he wants to help save Night Vale from Dr. Lubelle and her vengeance.

I paused to take this all in. It was a good speech, a great one, even. Very well crafted and rehearsed. I’ve been fooled before by this man. I wasn’t about to let it happen again. I called Sheriff Sam and had Blake Jones arrested for breaking and entering, and for practicing science.

Meanwhile, my lawyer, Danny Vaquero, did their job to perfection. They completed the paperwork for Carlos’s bail, so he’ll be back home in time for dinner. But Vaquero also managed to free Dana Cardinal, too. Vaquero pointed out that the alleged murder took place on Friday, March 15, 2013. However, murder was not made illegal in Night Vale until Thursday, August 15, 2013, five months AFTER the doppelganger incident..

According to Vaquero: Prior to that date, which is inclusive of the time frame in which the supposed “murder” took place, murder was perfectly legal within the city limits of Night Vale. “Sort of like my favorite movie series about all crimes, including murder, being legal for a set amount of time,” Vaquero said. “Man, I love those Toy Storys. So gory!”

Sheriff Sam knew their only move would be to turn Dana’s charges over to state or federal investigators, and they certainly weren’t about to do that. Sam doesn’t want Dana to go to jail for breaking federal laws, only for breaking local laws. So the investigation of the body will forever be moot. Dana is a free woman.

We were all thrilled by the good news until Dr. Lubelle showed up. I saw Dr. Jones, still in handcuffs, hide behind the Sheriff as Dr. Lubelle stepped in. I thought she was there to bail her cowardly henchman out, but quite the opposite.

“I don’t care about you,” she sneered at Dr. Jones. “You can rot here for all I care, traitor.”

She then turned to Sheriff Sam and said: “Tell your City Council that the University of What It Is is here to stay. You’ve brainwashed not only Carlos, but Blake, too, and I take that personally. You’ll be explained to nothing, Night Vale. Explained away until not a trace of this town is left.”

Outside the police office, I saw a line of trailers, dozens long, full of University of What It Is researchers, labs, and equipment, ready to thumb their nose at the law and perform their wicked science in broad daylight.

“There are too many to arrest,” Sheriff Sam whispered in what sounded to this reporter like terror.

Dr. Lubelle’s shined a bright, sinister smile at the Sheriff, and a fierce, tight-lipped sneer at Blake Jones. Then she left, to join the hundreds of minions clogging the streets with science. Terrible, terrible science.

Stay tuned next for the sound of halted breaths.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: Take a hike. That’s right. Get out of here. Why don’t you go fly a kite? Go play in the street. It’s a beautiful day. And you deserve to be outside.