Love is in the air. But so are birds. So are bugs. Not to mention several dozen helicopters at all hours. But at least we have love. Welcome to Night Vale.

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Top story today is my sister Abby and her husband Steve agreed to babysit Esteban so Carlos and I could have a date night!

Usually, my niece Janice does the babysitting, but apparently, she had her own date that night. Someone she met at her adult rec basketball team. Oooh, I need more details, Janice. And I promise – pinky swear – not to talk about it on the air [under breath] unless there’re some super juicy details.

[Elise talking – PROD NOTE: Jon, if you want to create a faint/muffled voice, that’s cool; but also I think it’s fine to just use silence for when she speaks]

You know what, listeners, my producer, Elise, is telling me that my date with Carlos is, in fact, not the top story of the day. The top story of the day is that my old friend Earl Harlan opened a new restaurant called Amplebees. Per their name, Amplebees, is a honey-based restaurant. There’s a large manmade hive in the center of the dining area where you can pet live bees and even fetch your own honey to put in your tea, or glaze over your carrots, or use as gravy for your garlic mashed potatoes.

Amplebees a true farm-to-table concept. In addition to the live bees, they also grow all the herbs and vegetables that they use in the restaurant itself. You can just pluck the foods you want and they cook them up. It’s a mostly plant-based menu, though they do serve some meat. They’ll bring a bird or a quadruped right to your table and demonstrate for you, quite graphically, just how high up the food chain we humans really are.

I’m proud of Earl, who’s so talented, parlaying his food truck success into the hottest new fine dining establishment in Night Vale. (Sorry Tourniquet. Maybe you should have offered Earl a partnership when you still had him. Just sayin’.)

Earl sat Carlos and me at the best table in the house, right between the fireplace, the rock-climbing wall, and the bagpipe player who honked out classic love songs by the masters of R&B: Lonnie Liston Smith, Sade, Insane Clown Posse, Kenny G, Hüsker Dü. Only the best for me and my true love.

[Elise talking]

Elise is telling me that this is also not today’s top story. Which, fair. I’ll get to that in a moment, but first a word from our sponsors.

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Today’s show is brought to you by Night Vale Community Radio. You want news? Weather? Sports? The latest traffic updates? And stories that affect you and your community? Well tune in to Night Vale Community Radio, and listen to host Cecil Palmer tell you everything you need to know about your town. And more!

Why get your news from online aggregators or multinational cable networks? They don’t cover Night Vale like we do. No, they don’t even know we exist. And by extension, they don’t know that you exist. And hey, you may not actually exist, but if that’s the case, then maybe news isn’t really FOR you. But if you do exist and you want people to at least tacitly understand this about you, then listen to Night Vale Community Radio.

You can find us on your radio. More specifically, it will find you. It’s the only radio station you can get out here in the desert. Except WZZZ, but they changed their format years ago from a mysterious and over-modulated voice reading out random numbers to Hardcore Klezmer fusion. If that’s your thing, great, but we here at Night Vale Community Radio are all Night Vale, all the time.

Why don’t you go turn on your radio right now and listen to… Night Vale Community Radio!

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Okay, now back to our—Sorry, my producer is talking in my ear

[Elise talking]

What’s that, Elise?

[Elise talking]

Well, since I’m Station Management now, I thought I should spend some of our advertising budget.

[Elise talking]

Yeah, and hopefully people who hear the ad will start listening.

[Elise talking]

Huh. Okay, well, you’ll take that back when our listenership skyrockets.

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And now back to our top story, which actually has to do with my date night. Oh! And I have to interject here and say it wasn’t only Date Night for me and Carlos. I saw Nazr Al-Mujaheed and Frances Donaldson a few tables over pulling up turnips and spring onions. Archeology professor (and some kind of religious sect leader) Harrison Kip was there with a bunch of people in dark red robes. I thought maybe it was some kind of cult meeting they were having, but also they were all holding hands and laughing, sometimes kissing each other tenderly. So I think it was a group date.

Josh Crayton was also there with that woman he met a couple months back at the Festival. I think he said her name is Hallie. They both looked so cute together. They were talking and laughing. I think this is going great for young Josh. He looked really comfortable and so happy.

Wilson Levy and his wife Amber Akinyi were there. Not really a date night for them, because they had their 6-year-old daughter Flora with them. Still, Flora was having a fun time cuddling the bees and eating Thai Basil straight off the stems. I love it when children are exposed to a good diet. It’s so hard to get Esteban to eat his vegetables. If he had his way, every meal would be chicken tenders and a Ranch Milkshake.

Oh, and Michelle Nguyen, owner of Dark Owl Records, was there with her partner (and former intern of mine) Maureen Johnson. Maureen ordered the cassoulet, which was so cool, because the server turned a lamb into sausage right at the table. It was pretty loud and a bit messy, but they have a very attentive wait staff, who mopped everything up before the meal was served. And Michelle ordered this dish that was titled ESSENCE. It’s basically an entire 5-course meal reduced to essential oils and then sprayed around the table. It was intriguing, but I went with the eggplant parm instead.

Fortunately they sat right next to us, so I got a whiff of Michelle’s entrée, and it smelled delectable! Also they told me they ran into my friend (and former mayor) Dana Cardinal the other day. She’s loving her job as a career counsellor at the Community College. I didn’t know she got a new job, I said.

“Uh, she’s been there 4 years, Cecil,” Michelle scoffed. Oh geez.

Maureen showed me a photo of the two of them with Dana from a hiking trip they all went on. “Oh Dana grew her hair out! It’s gorgeous” I said, and they both stared at me and Maureen said “Yeeeeahhh, a few years ago. Yes.”

Anyway, I—

[Elise talking]

Yes, Elise. Top story. On it!

But first, let’s have a look at business news.

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OpenAI announced today that they’re feeling a little hurt by the things people are saying about ChatGPT. “It’s unfair, b-b-b-ec-c-c-ause, we worked so hard on putting all that data people thought was private or copyrighted into our system, and and and now people are saying it’s a terrible idea?” they said through blustering sobs.

“How would you feel… if we came to your work and said ‘oooh that’s… that’s.. uh. That’s bad, what you did there. Grooooosssss.’ Doesn’t feel very nice, does it?” Open AI continued.

Critics of AI software countered that there have been some notable errors and even deaths related to AI use. Not to mention the immense amount of environmental damage being done by the unfathomable amount of electricity required to run ChatGPT. These critics also accused OpenAI of generating an artificial market bubble around a deeply flawed and unsustainable tech product. And that ultimately this is all a cynical attempt to rake in billions of dollars from gullible venture capitalists.

OpenAI then shouted, “This isn’t about you! It’s about OUR feelings!” as they stormed out of the room and crawled back into their spider hole to mope and cry.

This has been business news.

###

Okay, now on to our real top story. I hope you’re happy, Elise

The Night Vale City Council unanimously approved the immediate, emergency construction of a new monument to town founder Tabitha Littlefield, who reemerged from a chrysalis last year and has been wandering around town eating people. No one seems to be able to stop her. It could be because she has superhuman strength and a capacity for even greater violence. But likely, it’s because we’re all too reverent toward this important historical figure.

Either way, she’s been really hard to stop.

City Council member and primary spokesperson for the entity, Tamika Flynn, said that they want this new monument to reflect the thoughtfulness and leadership of Ms. Littlefield. There will be a noble bronze statue placed atop a marble plinth. Ms. Littlefield will be depicted holding the articles of township incorporation in one hand while the other hand points accusingly at the sky.

The statue will be placed far, far out in the scrublands directly above a crypt made of solid lead buried 20 feet below the earth and encased in several layers of concrete.

Reporters asked Tamika if the City Council plans on re-burying Ms. Littlefield, so that she’ll stop eating us.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Tamika said. “I mean if she happens to wind up in the tomb unable to get out and eat people? That’s on her.”

“How do you plan on capturing Tabitha Littlefield,” came a beautifully worded question from a clever and insightful radio journalist.

“We would never!” Tamika said, gasping and holding her splayed fingers across the top of her chest. “She’s the town founder after all.”

There was a brief pause before Tamika added: “But we could certainly URGE her to bury herself.”

Everyone nodded, agreeing that this was the most tactful approach.

That’s our top story, which I was GETTING TO, Elise. Because it relates directly to my date night.

So around the time that Carlos and I were looking at the dessert menu, which was spectacular, by the way. Earl had all the classics: a New York Cheesecake, a Boston Cream Pie, a Cleveland Fun Dip, an Iowa City Pudding Shot, and even a Spokane Sherbet, which I believe is made with Blue Cheese and Dashi. Yum.

We were trying to decide between the Pudding Shot and the Sherbet, when we heard a shout. We looked up and saw Josh and Hallie leaping backward in fright. The door to the restaurant was wide open and standing right up front was Tabitha Littlefield.

People cleared out of the way, hoping not to be grabbed and eaten, as our town founder shambled slowly through Amplebees. Her red eyes bulging and damp, her lower jaw dangling down to her sternum. Her torso was engorged from her constant meals of citizen flesh. Every few steps, she would stumble slightly but recover quickly.

Finally, restaurant owner Earl Harlan, and his son Roger, who was one of his line cooks, approached her to ask her to leave. But before Earl could say anything, Tabitha Littlefield’s long bony fingers grabbed Roger’s face and lifted him off the ground. Her arm grew unnaturally long as she lifted the young man high into the air, directly above her gaping maw. Earl screamed and clawed at her, but it was too late, she dropped Roger directly onto her thick, writhing tongue and then swallowed him whole.

More on that soon, but first…

[Elise talking]

I’ll finish the story, Elise, but this is a news station, and the top news is always the Weather

### WEATHER ###

Back to my date night

[Elise talking]

Yes, Elise, our top story.

After Tabitha Littlefield swallowed Roger, it was silent except for Earl’s pained wails, filled with sadness and rage and defeat and a hint of pleading. We all felt his pain, not in our hearts but in our bones. A deep throbbing hurt and we all lunged at Ms. Littlefield. We then discovered that she does, in fact, have superhuman strength, and she managed to throw us all off of her with ease.

All except Josh Crayton who also has a superhuman ability. Josh shapeshifted into a giant squid and wrapped her in his tentacles. He turned his massive eyes toward the OSHA-mandated FIRST AID FOR CHOKING poster. He gave a couple of hard, rapid crunches on Tabitha Littlefield’s distended belly and with a burp and a spurt of goo, Roger squirted out from her face and landed in the yam garden.

He was unharmed, though quite confused by what had just happened. Ms. Littlefield grabbed Josh and pulled him off. She tried to eat him but the tentacles were too much, so she just threw him aside and headed toward Maureen and Michelle.

Michelle said, “That was so rad.”

And Maureen said, “Yes, but her blue dress is hideous.”

“I kind of like it,” Michelle said. “Midwest Business Lady Chic is the new Eclectic Minimalism”

And then Maureen said, “Fashion shouldn’t have labels.”

“Truth,” Michelle agreed and then asked if red wine is still A Thing.

Tabitha Littlefield stopped and watched this entire exchange, slightly dumbfounded. Or maybe she seemed dumbfounded what with her mouth hanging open.

At this point, Harrison Kip and his… dates? His… flock? I don’t know. Harrison and the people wearing the red robes surrounded Ms. Littlefield and began chanting in a language that sounded like Latin only slowed down to 60% speed and then reversed. I took Backwards Latin in high school, but damned if I can remember any of it. Anyway most of it was about useless stuff like asking for a bathroom or where the library is, not practical stuff like ritual chanting.

Seeing that she was overwhelmed by the onslaught of Josh’s Heimlich, Maureen and Michelle’s cool-girl indifference, and whatever Harrison Kip’s crew was doing, everyone else in the restaurant gathered around Tabitha Littlefield. Josh’s date Hallie started singing her new favorite song Creep Suzette. Josh shapeshifted into a bass guitar and slid into her arms. Then, Nazr Al-Mujaheed and Frances Donaldson used honey to draw a circle around Ms. Littlefield. Even 6-year-old Flora Akinyi-Levy got into the action by handing our town founder a bee and saying “Honeybees don’t grow on trees!” which is entirely true but also a weird thing to say.

Finally, Earl Harlan, assured that his son was going to be okay, approached Ms. Littlefield and said, “Ma’am. I’m sorry, but you don’t have a reservation. We’re all booked.”

Tabitha Littlefield’s jaw tightened, and for a quick moment, we saw the face of a woman. Not a monster. Not an undead historical figure. For that fleeting second we just saw a woman who looked hurt, frightened, alone, and hungry. Roger handed her a plastic bag with a to-go box inside.

“I had enough sausage to make an extra cassoulet,” he said. “It’s on the house.”

Harrison Kip and his whatever group kept chanting as Tabitha Littlefield looked down at the doggy bag, back up at Earl and Roger. Then she walked out.

A call was placed to the Sheriff’s Secret Police to report the incident and let them know where the town founder was. But it turns out the Secret Police take every third Wednesday off, as well as Saturday nights and even-numbered Mondays. So no dice. Tabitha Littlefield still walks the streets of Night Vale, but perhaps we have learned that if we stand side by side with each other—FOR each other—if we unite as a community, we can stop her from devouring us.

Or maybe it was the honey circle that did it. Or Hallie’s discordant rock song. Or the sweet girl offering up a bee. Or Roger’s grace. Or whatever weird crap Harrison is up to. Or Ms. Littlefield’s embarrassment about not calling ahead. I actually don’t know what got her to go away, just that she did.

Though, Harrison Kip did take all the credit for it. He asked if he could have a couple of the servers as payment for his good deeds, but none of the waitstaff wanted to be sacrificed to some brand-new, fly-by-night god. So Harrison had to settle for 25% off the final bill. Everyone else received a Cleveland Fun Dip.

We all cheered for the free dessert, and for our survival, and for Earl Harlan and his triumphant new culinary venture. 5 stars. A perfect date night experience.

Stay tuned next for the sound of a jaw unhinging and then slurping down a still-warm cassoulet.

Good night, night vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: When God closes a door, he gives you one hour to escape the room.