CECIL: Call me old fashioned, but the Big Bang should never have happened. Welcome to Night Vale.

It’s the dog days of summer, listeners. Soon it will be the iguana days of autumn, and then the cockateel days of winter, before finally we get to the tarantula days of spring. A year is a long time, and every season of it, we must anticipate the next season, slowly wishing our lives away, one climatic period at a time.

Sadly, there’s nothing we can do about this excessive heat, which is what some people like to tell us, even though it seems like we’ve had plenty of chances to do things about it. But who am I to tell the captains of industry that science is not only neat but also life-saving? I’m merely a journalist, which means the only power I truly have is reading horoscopes to distract us from the news.

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Your horoscopes soon, but first, let's have a look at the community calendar.

Wednesday, the Night Vale Parks Department will be holding a chess tournament in Mission Grove Park. This competition is open to all chess lovers, regardless of skill level. It will be a single-elimination tournament, so before you throw your name in, make sure you have all of your affairs in order, say goodbye to your loved ones, and assign someone to take care of your pets. Just in case. Good luck.

Thursday night, the Night Vale Community Theater will be holding auditions for their production of The Crucible, the classic American play by Arthur Miller about a group of revenge-minded women vigilantes who hunt down misogynists within the ranks of church and state. Actors must bring a headshot, resume, and prepare a monologue for auditions. Preference will be given to anyone who has ever killed a man with their bare hands.

Friday is so three-thousand and eight.

Saturday is so two-thousand and late.

Sunday can't be bothered with all your emotional baggage. Ohhh, you don't want to go to work tomorrow? Tough tamales, big man. Too many chores? Welcome to real life, kiddo. Honestly, it's gorgeous outside. Why don't you try stepping out, inhaling the warm summer air and staring straight into the sun until you see god. Or until you become god. I'm sure you've got it in you, champ. As a new deity, you could make a whole new universe for yourself where there's no work and no chores and nothing ever happens and we're all just so happy that there's plain old stasis, with nothing to complain about. Is that what you want? Yeah, Sunday thought so. Whatever.

Monday would like for you to open your mind. It is trying its damnedest, okay?

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And now, for horoscopes.

Leo, you let your pride get in the way of your vulnerability. You don’t take critique well, Leo, and right now you’re being criticized on all sides. First there was your social media post that was none too sensitive. Then you got caught lying to your partner about where you were on Tuesday night. Amid all that, you are on probation at your job because you failed to bring your cat to work on Bring Your Cat to Work Day. I know you don’t have a cat, Leo, and you’re terribly allergic to them, but still, it’s a national holiday, and many co-workers found your lack of cat chauvinism to be disrespectful. But all of that is less important than the harshest criticism of them all… which is the brown bear that is upset with you for getting too close to its cubs. Don’t argue with the bear, Leo. I know you’re proud, but nature is deadly serious.

Just remember the old adage about what to do around bears. If the bear is black: roar back. Black bears are little scaredy-britches who are even worse at taking feedback than you are, Leo.

Now if the bear is brown: just frown. Brown bears are people-pleasers and would feel hurt to know they have caused you distress. Be careful though, brown bears also like to make it all about them. You'll be thinking, oh wow this bear is scaring me. I feel hurt. And the brown bear will be all like "I feel hurt, because I hurt you." Beware the emotional manipulation of brown bears, Leo.

Finally, if the bear is white, you’re just dreaming. There’s no such thing as a white bear.

Virgo, It’s time to rearrange the silverware again. And after that, you probably should start planning the meals you need to cook this week. You know what else would be useful, Virgo, is if you maybe made a schedule of chores for your household. For instance, you can be in charge of kitchen cleanup. Rachel can do bathrooms. Victoria can handle the garbage and recycling. And Daniel will be tasked with staying quiet and still in his makeshift cage, and being more appreciative of you and your roommates’ scientific curiosity.

Libra, it’s not enough to see right and wrong. You also must take action. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for others, Libra. For instance there’s a human threatening your cubs. I know that a human doesn’t look like a normal predator, but you’re a Libra. You know good, and you know evil. This confused-looking human is definitely a great evil and you must kill them, Libra. No one touches your cubs. No one.

Scorpio, I’ve been meaning to text you this week, but time got away from me, Scorpio. Work’s been busy what with my new role in station management. Plus, Carlos and I had to pick up Esteban early from his summer witch camp. Apparently, he got very good at turning other kids into animals, and some of their parents got all upset. You know how it is: every other parent is terrible at parenting. Anyway, Carlos and I wanted to host a family barbecue before school starts back. We’re looking at next Saturday afternoon, but we could also do the Sunday after? Anyway, if you’re listening to this, Scorpio, check with Abby and give me a call.

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More horoscopes soon, but first a return to our popular advice segment Hey There, Cecil. Here's today's letter.

"Hey There, Cecil. So I met a woman who's super nice, and we've been hanging out a lot.”

Oooh, I’m feeling the sparks of romance!

“She's new to town, so I've been trying to introduce her around, and she's really enjoying everyone in Night Vale. This has been going on a couple of weeks, and I like her, like like-like her, and I'm doing all these nice things. And I'm using my shapeshifting abilities to look super handsome and buff, but I'm not sure the spark is there for her. Should I just tell her how I feel, or will that ruin a nice friendship? Signed: Lost in Love"

Hey there, Josh… uhhhh Hey there, Lost in Love. I know this is about the person you met at The Festival this summer, and I met her too. She's very kind, and way more muscle-y than anyone could imagine. I see why you're attracted to her, and honestly I don't think there's any harm in telling her how you feel. But before you do that, ask yourself, what does "super handsome" mean?

Are you shapeshifting into what you think SHE would find handsome, or is it a look that makes YOU feel handsome. Feeling attractive is the first step toward looking attractive. This might not be the advice you want, kid, but it's the advice you need. Be yourself, which knowing you, is a pretty great thing.

Let us know how it goes, Jo--- Lost in Love

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Now back to horoscopes.

Sagittarius, You’ve got to be kidding me! You said that? And what did he say? He just stood there and took it? No comeback? No argument? Mmm mmm mmm. That sounds like someone with a guilty conscience, don’t you think, Sagittarius? Well, I’d let it all settle down for maybe a week before reaching back out to make amends.

You what? You already called him? What did you say? No! You didn’t! Oh you’re the worst, Sagittarius. I kind of love that.

Capricorn, You can’t continue to blame the world for your problems. No, Capricorn, sometimes things happen that are far beyond anyone’s control. It’s like wedding-day rainstorms. Or unexpectedly heavy traffic when you’re late for work. Or finding thousands of spoons in your knife drawer. OR… maybe your children go to summer witch camp, and a more talented child magically turned those kids into animals. Yes, family is important, especially to you, Capricorn. But you know what else is important? Adorable forest creatures. I’m sure there’s a reverse spell for this, but can you imagine how much more fun your kids will be if they were fluffy little furballs who wobble and fall over when they try to walk. IT'S VERY CUTE, CAPRICORN. Don't begrudge it. Embrace it.

Aquarius, you should probably check in with a lawyer. Your only son might have gotten you and your husband into some hot water, Aquarius. Let’s see, according to Ask Jeeves, there are 3 lawyers in your town that specialize in Witch Law. Okay, great news. Real good news, Aquarius. Maybe whenever you get off work today from your radio show, you should call them and tell them about the situation you’re in. Or you know what, maybe email them now. Why wait?

Pisces, you’re so intuitive. You’re a classic water sign, Pisces, with your ability to sense things in other people that no one else can see. So, Pisces… do you think Ronnie Plank, Vivika Johnson, or Tillson Breckenridge the Third would be the best possible lawyer for me to reach out to. That Tillson Breckenridge sounds really lawyerly, but maybe if we’re doing witch law, I want a more down-to-earth-sounding gal like Ronnie Plank. Oh! Vivika Johnson, she has the cutest website. There’s a little spider wearing a pointy hat and riding on a broom. And the speech balloon above it says “Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble. I’ll get your settlement on the double!” I love it. So help me pick the right lawyer, Pisces. Quick though. I get off work really soon.

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While Pisces figures that out, let's have a Public Service Announcement from local archeology professor and religious leader (of some kind?) Harrison Kip

HARRISON KIP: Y'all, are you lost in life? Have you forgotten your One True Purpose? Well, we haven't. Nosiree, we're as happy as clams in a clams casino, just pullin' down jackpot after jackpot. Trip sevens. Three cherries, whatever metaphor you want to use, that's us. And we're here for you whenever you feel lost. There's no judgment, no atonement, no groveling, just good old fashioned community. Rejoicing in a life beyond our human comprehension. Celebrating the kind of God who truly loves us no matter what. Them other Gods, they cause a lot of pain, have a lot of rules, and sure do require a lot of studying old books that were written by fault-ridden sacks of meat just like you and me.

But our religion has a book written by an infallible being from beyond our mortal plane. This text was found 10 years ago in a dorm room at Night Vale Community College next to a copy of Richard Branson's autobiography, a bobblehead of Allen Iverson, and a stale nugget of marijuana. As a professor of archaeology, I can attest to this document's authenticity.

I know that a college dorm doesn't sound as sacred as the Dead Sea or Ancient Mesopotamia or Upstate New York, but as our holy text clearly states: "This is a real religion." That's the first line of the whole book. So join our congregation. Maybe bring some friends, too. We're running a bit low on flesh offerings to our loving but very hungry god.

Welp, see y'all there!

[beat]

CECIL: That's it? Where do they meet? When? What's the name of… Who should they… [sighs]

Let's just get back to horoscopes.

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Aries, like I said to you yesterday, I didn't teach him witchcraft. He just really loves shaping sticks into stars and hanging sacks of bird parts above a circle of candles. I know you're a man of science, Aries, and this is tough for you. Maybe someday our son will be really into math and physics and all that, but right now he really likes wearing cloaks and sitting in dark corners with his back facing the room while mumbling in Latin. I think it's just a Gen Alpha thing, like saying “no cap” and being on the world wide web. Anyway, let's talk when I get home, Aries, about how to handle our son's current situation.

Taurus, be patient. I know that's difficult for you hard-headed types, Taurus, but if you can learn to bide your time, to wait your turn, you’ll receive great things. Such great things are in store for you, Taurus. Just hang on while I write this email to one of the lawyers. Pisces told me Vivika was the way to go – that she seemed like the most compassionate option. And I trust a Pisces's intuition more than I trust anyone else's. So just hold your horses, Taurus. Okay there. Email sent. And now, Taurus, let's have a look at your horoscope.

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WEATHER/TAURUS HOROSCOPE

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Gemini, you’re facing a real conundrum, and this is hard for you. I know you like puzzles, Gemini, but you’re not really a problem-solver, and you’ve got a tough one to figure out. So, you see that Leo over there getting mauled by that brown bear? Yep, that brown bear. She thinks she's your mom. Yeah, she’s doing that to protect you and your brother, her sweet little twin cubs. But you're not really her babies. You're a couple of human kids who were turned into bears by a very talented boy at witch camp this summer. And while it's fun to be a couple of bear cubs for a bit, you are realizing just now, Gemini, that being bears means bearing great responsibility. (Pun masterfully intended.)

So, remember how that Leo was just checking his phone hoping to figure out how to get back to the designated hiking trail? And you remember how you approached that human Leo and played all coy and cute. He knew not to get near bear cubs, but you started to frolic and play? Well, that angry bear – she’s not really being her true Libra self today, and she’s acting out of rash anger, all because her horoscope told her to.

Maybe, Gemini, if you were to step in and explain this whole thing to the momma bear, you could save that Leo’s life. And then point the bear to her actual cubs which have broken into the campgrounds and eaten all of the Lox-flavored Rice Krispy Treats. Do that for the stars, okay, Gemini?

Finally… Cancer, today would be a great day for you to show off that empathy you're so known for. In fact, Cancer, I’d love it if you took my case. I really need your legal advice, so I don't get sued by angry Capricorn parents.

Ok, so I have an idea. Hear me out, Cancer. What if, instead of turning their kids back into human children, we turned the parents into bears? Who wouldn't want to be a family of intimidating woodland beasts, able to climb trees with ease and kill prey with a single swipe, but also be gentle creatures that look so sweet and huggable.

What do you think, Cancer?

Yeah? Great!

I'll talk to Esteban about it first thing after work. He's really into this witchcraft hobby. And if the parents are willing to settle, I'm happy to throw in all the salmon burgers they can eat. I've got a supply closet full of them. Thank you, Cancer. And let me know how it goes with Capricorn.

Well, listeners, stay tuned next for a bubbling cauldron and a muttered Latin chant.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

PROVERB: You only get one life. Wouldn't it be hilarious if you pretended to be awesome at it?