CECIL: Let's put a pin in that. And let's stick a knife in that. Ooh, and that one really needs a pitchfork. Welcome to Night Vale.

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Today's top story, a trial date has been set for archaeology professor and cult leader Harrison Kip for the murder of Jalen Rutherford. Harrison allegedly murdered Jalen with a collection plate after he discovered Jalen was embezzling donation money that was promised to Harrison's religious organization.

The trial is set for February 1, and Sheriff Sam is currently interviewing candidates for the jury. Anyone interested should email a resume, cover letter, and headshot to the Sheriff's Secret Police.

The Sheriff said they're looking for retribution-minded individuals who don't like fringe religions or academic types.

"We've got a perfect prosecution record here in Night Vale," Sheriff Sam said, "and we'd like to keep it that way. So it's important that all jury members have a strong history of guilty verdicts, and maybe a death penalty or two under their belts."

Harrison's bail has been set at two million dollars, which is almost three-years' salary for a part-time adjunct professor at a community college. It's unlikely Harrison Kip will ever be a free man again.

I went down to the jail to interview Harrison about his situation. More on this soon, but first, a look at the community calendar.

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This Thursday night at the Ralphs the people who huddle out back will instead be making a bonfire. They just wanted to change it up for a night. Add a little ritual dance around a flame. Maybe throw a person in there or do some grunts. Who knows. Really mix it up. They’re hoping more people will get interested in whatever it is they’re trying to accomplish out back of the Ralphs.

Wow, what an interesting promotion. They must have hired an agency.

Friday, the secret military complex known as Area 50 will be offering free tours of all their secret files and laboratories. Matt Bermingham, marketing director of Area 50, said that people won't believe the levels of conspiracies happening.

"You think the moon landing was fake?" Bermingham said. "Brother, wait till you find we’re all fake."

On Saturday, the city-run Redacted Books and Pamphlets will be hosting a book launch for Dale, the god who lives behind the sky. He is also the central deity of Harrison Kip’s belief system, and someone I got to spend quite a bit of time with this summer. Dale will be reading from his brand new religious text, The Book of Dale. Afterward there will be a Questions but no Answers Session, a book-signing, and a pitiful blessing of all hollow vessels in attendance. So far the only people who have actually read the text are Dale, who wrote it, and Harrison Kip, his co-author.

But there might be one more person who's read this book, listeners. More on this soon, but first, my exclusive interview with Harrison Kip.

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[pre-recorded. possibly a different production value on these?]

CECIL: Harrison, do you have any regrets about the death of Jalen Rutherford?

HARRISON: I wouldn't say regrets, Cecil. I'd say something more like RE-grets. It's folksier, more in tune with the common people, the lost ones, those who've felt unrepresented by their city, their gods, and even (I'm sorry to say, Cecil) their journalists.

CECIL: So, you do or don't RE-gret the murder of Jalen Rutherford.

HARRISON: It's hard to feel one way or another about something you had nothing to do with, at least not in the free will sense.

CECIL: You're not guilty then.

HARRISON: In my god's eyes, all believers are innocent. Even the heretics and the craven and the most diabolical of souls are worth His love and warmth.

CECIL: You're talking about Dale, right?

HARRISON: Sure am. He's a weird fella, but I love Him. You know, I'm the one who told him: "Dale, you got a book in you. I know it. You're a writer. Not because you know how to put words all pretty, but because you got a message. A message folks gotta hear." And look at him now, New York Times Best Seller.

CECIL: The book isn't out yet, though.

HARRISON: [laughs] Cecil, you need to stop thinkin' in terms of mono-directional time. Here, take one of my advanced copies of The Book of Dale. I think it'll help you. I think it'll help all of us.

CECIL: Oof. This book is heavier than it looks.

HARRISON: That's because it has a soul, Cecil. It's your soul.

CECIL: Neat.

HARRISON: Yes, son. Souls are neat.

[end recording]

###

CECIL: I'll tell you in a minute about The Book of Dale, but first let's get to religious news.

A couple of weeks ago, I told you about my time behind the sky in The Cleansing Grove. That's where I met Dale, and he really helped me out with staying in touch with my family. My husband, Carlos, was of course unhappy that I was gone for so long, but he understood that journalists have a public duty to report on the Realm Beyond whenever they are held there against their will.

Plus, Dale taught me a lot of fascinating scriptures and revelations and even some laws to follow, which in Dale’s words, would prevent the Realm Beyond from forcing Dale to Undo the Sacred Architecture of My Body.

I was thankful to Dale for protecting me from the vengeful forces that were completely in his control. Dale asked only that I do one thing for him.

“Cecil,” Dale explained. “I need a meeting of the gods. You are the voice of Night Vale. They will come together for you. This is the only way to prevent the End Times.”

And I was like “Yeah. Totally. I can definitely do that. As soon as you send me home. Consider it done.”

Now, I'm no theologian. I'm not close to any of the major gods. But there are other deities in Night Vale, right? Like the son of the Glow Cloud is kind of a god. People pledge fealty when it's near. And the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home. She's omnipresent, like a god. And there's the Woman from Italy, who is vaguely threatening like a god. And of course, the Distant Prince. I mean, we're talking about a guy who's never around and we can't really even see him well enough to prove his existence. If that's not a God. I don't know what it is.

Well, I guess he could just be a really crappy husband and father. Still… don't know how that's different from most gods.

Anyway, ff someone has an email for any gods, please let me know.

[ELISE speaks downline to Cecil.]

Oh, my producer, Elise tells me we have a caller. Hello. You're on the air.

[telephone quality on this call]

FOW: Yes, I'm here, Cecil.

CECIL: Hi Faceless Old Woman. I kind of thought you'd be secretly in my studio with me.

FOW: I was a little bit ago, but I had to get over to Amaranta's house. I'm babysitting her son, Darius.

CECIL: She lets you babysit?

FOW: Of course not. She thinks he's taking a nap, but we're upstairs drawing.

CECIL: That's sweet. What kind of things are you drawing?

FOW: The usual. A house with trees that have jagged teeth-filled mouths. A black sun. A family with their faces scratched out, except for the little boy who looks like he's weeping. And there's a shadowy figure staring down from one of the windows.

CECIL: Cute!

FOW: Darius is very excited to show his teacher tomorrow. I heard you talking about Dale. I perused your copy of his book. It's garbage.

CECIL: So you won't meet with him.

FOW: I didn't say that. I’ve not been able to get into his home. He’s interesting, if bad at writing. I remember this one part… Chapter 18, starting with section 2, verse 19: Quote "Take not the hand of grief, but embrace its neck. Hold grief close until it trusts you, until the moment when you can no longer understand the differences of your two bodies, and then choke grief gently, mercifully. Whisper to grief that it's better if it gives in, better if it does not struggle against your grip. Tearfully offer your love for it, and then let it die in your arms. Bury your grief in a shallow grave under a new moon and then spill the blood of a loved one atop the soil. It doesn't have to be a human. Maybe a pet. Not the fun cat that plays with guests and makes cute faces. Try the weird one who sounds like a duck and wakes you up at 6am." Endquote

CECIL: You memorized that?

FOW: I memorize every experience I dislike.

CECIL: Okay, so maybe his prose is a little overwrought, and the pet thing is too much, but I get what he's saying about bringing grief close and then letting it go.

FOW: Cecil. Cecil! Grief is something we should be creating, not destroying. Grief is something you bring upon your enemies, or even your friends who get on your nerves. I think it's irresponsible of Dale to tell us to accept our own grief.

CECIL: Are you… doing okay?

FOW: I'm great. Did you hear Larry Leroy's aunt died?

CECIL: I did. It was very sad. [long pause] Wait. Did you---

FOW: I'm still mad at Larry for hiding his journals from me. It took me almost a week to break into that new safe of his.

CECIL: Okay. So. The reason I reached out is —

FOW: You want to broker a meeting with Dale and a bunch of other deities. Listen, I'll go, but I'm not a god, Cecil.

CECIL: That's what I thought. What are you then? A ghost? A poltergeist? The Undead?

FOW: I am secretly in your homes. That's all that I am. Gotta go. Darius wants me to look at his drawings of the people who visit him in dreams.

[end call]

###

And now more from my exclusive interview with Harrison Kip from the Night Vale jail.

[recorded]

CECIL: How did you find Dale, Harrison? Were you brought in by his disciples? Did you hear his voice calling you? Did you just follow your heart?

HARRISON: [laughs] No no. Nothing like that. No, Dale and I, we were college roommates. We were both Religious Studies majors. When our senior years rolled around, we were real stressed about who was gonna hire anyone with a degree like that.

CECIL: What about a church? Or a synagogue?

HARRISON: No, they were secular degrees. We weren't training for the clergy or nothing. I figured, why not go into academia. Religious texts and cultures are so closely related to archaeology, that's what I pursued in higher education, and eventually got my job here at the Community College.

CECIL: And Dale started a vape shop in Red Mesa…?

HARRISON: Well, he opened that shop about 5 years ago. It's a tax break. That's all. No, Dale decided to go a different route. He wasn't interested in all the politics and hoopla of academics. And he certainly didn't want to be a mouthpiece for any god he didn't actually believe in.

CECIL: So what did he do?

HARRISON: Well I think you know, Cecil. He became a god. He already knew how gods worked. Make a few laws, design some handsome cloaks for your followers, and get a place in the sky. Well, for a while he was living below ground, but it was bad optics, what with people perceiving the underworld as evil and all that. But once he opened up that little spot behind the sky, well, business really took off. It's all in his new book. I'm anxious for you to read it Cecil.

CECIL: I'm looking forward to it. You were Dale's most dedicated follower. His right hand, it seemed. How will you continue to run your religious organization from jail?

HARRISON: I won’t.

CECIL: There's an order of succession?

HARRISON: No. I mean to say, I won’t remain in jail.

CECIL: The Sheriff doesn't lose any trials, Harrison. The odds are stacked against you.

HARRISON: You just gotta have faith, Cecil.

CECIL: In Dale?

HARRISON: Yes, but also faith in other people. Faith that they will see the light. That they will see the truth. That they will come through for their brothers and sisters.

CECIL: And you think the carefully selected law-and-order jury will see the truth and the light.

HARRISON: Well, when you put it that way, I guess "the jury will not."

[end recording]

###

CECIL: Harrison did not look sad at all when he said that to me. In fact, he had a small smile curling in the corner of his mouth, and it unnerved me a bit. I'm not sure what kind of plans he has to get out of jail, and I'm not sure I want to know.

I've been reading The Book of Dale, and so far, I have to say I'm impressed with his story. He's a misunderstood god, for sure, and while some of his rules come across as a tad strict and out-of-touch – like "Don't speak to a crying child" and "Women, woo wee, they sure are pretty" – I still think he's really focused on protecting us from the greater harms, mostly this really scary End Times scenario.

Here's a passage that stood out. It’s from Chapter 16, section 21: Quote "And there shall be a great noise, and it will bleed from our ears, and from our eyes. There shall be a great rumble, and it will crumble as shards from our bones. There shall be a great fog, and it will wheeze from our lungs. There shall be a great plague, and it will ooze as bile from our skin. There shall be a great nothing, and a great everything, and all will collapse and expand. And in blackness we shall only remember what we have lost forever and ever. It's gonna be really messed up." End quote.

Now, listeners, I don't know about you, but—

[ELISE speaks downline to Cecil]

What's that, Elise?

[ELISE says quite a bit in a very animated voice]

Oh. Dear. That's not good. Listeners. I'm receiving word that Harrison Kip has escaped from the Night Vale jail. The entire Sheriff's department itself is empty. Has Dale called them all to heaven? Has Harrison's cult performed an act of violence to spring their leader? Or is it a simple Shawshank Redemption-type escape? (You know the famous movie where prisoner Andy Dufresne invents a teleportation device with help from Rita Hayworth's ghost?)

I'll do my best to find out. While you hear about the weather.

### WEATHER ###

Well, all of my guesses were incorrect. It looks like Harrison Kip was released by the Sheriff. After weeks of proselytizing to the secret police about the great works of his god, Harrison won them over. Sheriff Sam, a lifelong religious skeptic, remained unimpressed.

That was until they received an Advanced Readers Copy of The Book of Dale. Sheriff Sam began reading it cynically, just looking for ways to break down Harrison before the trial. The Sheriff, like any well-trained law enforcement officer, saw all of humanity as either good or criminal. Harrison had long been the latter to the Sheriff.

But as the Sheriff read about how Dale used his degree to really stand out in a crowded field of "nepo gods" and "grandfathered deities," how he thought differently, like that guy who stole a bunch of ideas to build Apple Computers. And this type of bootstraps tale really got to Sheriff Sam. It was the classic American story of skipping all the red tape of experience, expertise, and community-building, by establishing a successful brand with venture capital investments.

"This Dale sure is disrupting religion," Sheriff Sam exclaimed from the toilet while reading Chapter 20, which is about how Dale hand-built The Cleansing Grove using just a Home Depot gift card and YouTube tutorials.

Soon, all of the Secret Police, even the skeptical Sheriff themself believed that Dale was our only hope to stop the End Times. They dropped the murder charges against Harrison, stating that it's not murder if we had an emergency back-up doppelgänger of the victim.

I'm inclined to believe this is fine? I mean, I like Harrison. I've grown to like Dale, too. And I certainly want to help stop any kind of End Times situation, because it sounds unpleasant.

I know Sheriff Sam subverted justice through cronyism, but as long as that works in our favor, it can never work against our favor.

[ELISE grumbles at this]

Let's just agree to disagree, Elise.

Listeners, stay tuned next for a thunderous sound from the heavens, which is just the contractors putting new locks on the sky.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: You can't take it with you. But you can certainly keep it from others when you go.