There are plenty of fish in the sea. Plenty of weird and monstrous fish, just filling the sea to the brim.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Hello, listeners. I know there are still some of you out there. Not as many as before, but some people are listening to their radios right now…right? It’s not like every single person in town is glued to their televisions, watching the new hit show Antler Cove [escalating irritation] that happens to air at the exact same time as my broadcast and has the entire community in a chokehold of obsession to the point where it seems like that’s all anyone ever talks about anymore.

From what I can piece together, it seems like the show is about a wealthy family fighting about money in a small coastal town where an alien invasion is also happening, and maybe there’s a murder mystery element too?

I’m not even sure if it’s a prestige drama or a children’s show or what. I haven’t seen it because it can only be watched live, and as I said, it airs when I’m doing my own show. And because I haven’t seen it, I can no longer participate in the larger cultural conversation. That’s fine. Obsessions are fleeting. You’ll all be back. Pretty soon, you won’t even remember anything that happened on that show, even though it’s all you talk about now. Literally all you talk about. I can’t leave the house without being surrounded by ceaseless chatter about Anthony and Vivienne and Lucius and Genevieve. Call me old fashioned, but I miss the days when we gossiped about people we actually know.

Some of you have asked why I don’t just change my time slot so that it doesn’t conflict with Antler Cove. I’ll tell you why. Because the oath I took as a broadcaster states that I will never change my appointed time slot for any reason. Not for holidays, not for personal crises, not for natural disasters, and not to avoid competition with other programming.

It also states that I will never climb the radio tower for recreational purposes, never advertise for undergarments, never use the break room microwave to make hot tuna bowls, and never ever say the F or S words aloud, even in the privacy of my own home. There are a lot of parts to the oath. Most of it I can’t disclose publicly. But the oathing ceremony takes place in this cool secret cavern in front of a group of really famous broadcasters who are all in cloaks and masks, and there’s a wolverine in a judge’s robe who nips at your ankles any time you seem hesitant about what you’re agreeing to.

Oh shoot, I wasn’t supposed to say any of that.

Well. I’m pretty sure nobody’s listening anyway.

In fact, I could probably get away with saying the S word right now…. Serpentine! Oh man, I can't believe I did that, what a rush. I'd be in so much trouble if anyone was listening. Which they aren't.

But just in case anyone is, let’s have a look at the headlines.

Down at the Last Bank of Night Vale, the annual Money Fair is commencing with an open house in the vault. The entire community is invited to come hang out with the cash, run their hands through it, and say things like “so that’s what a million bucks looks like!” or “gold sure is heavy!” or “hey, is that an ancient Egyptian death mask?” and “what’s it doing in here?” and “why is it glowing?” and “can I try it on?” and “why won’t it come off my face?”

In crime news, an update on the locked-room homicide investigation of local billionaire-slash-angel Marcus Vanston. I finally had a chance to sit down with former mayor-slash-current-private-detective Dana Cardinal to hear about her recent developments on the case. We got lattes at the new coffeehouse in the barista district, Odin’s Lament, and talked about a lot of things, actually. I told her about how Esteban started an Arcane Alchemy club at his school and how proud we are of him, and Dana told me she’s been volunteering to raise a guide ferret in her spare time and that it’s going well except she’s having some challenges with leash training at the moment. It was really good to see Dana again. Sometimes you can fall out of touch with someone for a long time, and even though your feelings about them haven’t changed, it just gets more awkward to reach out to them the more time goes by. But then when you do, it’s actually not awkward at all. It’s really, really nice.

Oh, and she did reveal confidentially that one of the angels, Erika, had been seen around the Vanston residence in the days leading up to the crime, always in the dead of night, always lurking around the grounds, occasionally peeping into the windows, but never entering. She also said that she still hasn’t figured out if the Vanston case is connected to the stabbing death of radio intern candidate Jalen Rutherford, and she has yet to uncover a motive or a suspect for either crime. The only thing she does know for sure is that whoever did it is still out there and could strike again at any time.

But judging by our ratings, interest in our local murder mystery doesn’t seem to compare to the one in Antler Cove at the moment. Sorry it’s soooo boring to you that a real killer is on the loose in our very own streets. I guess it just doesn’t count if they’re not played by a nontraditionally handsome actor that everyone has decided is secretly hot, which makes them even more attractive than if they’d just been regular-hot.

Seriously, what is it about this show that’s so compelling? A couple of times I turned it on during my broadcast with the sound off, just out of curiosity. And to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure what the appeal is. Is it just the fact that it’s new? That everyone else is watching it and you don’t want to be left out? Because the little bits I saw weren't that interesting. Now, I’m sure that’s partially my own fault since I haven’t been watching from the beginning, but when I tuned in, it was mostly just a shaky handheld camera walking through the fog. Eventually, the fog parts and you see a man standing on top of a hill. His mouth is wide open, and then you realize the fog is coming out of his mouth. Then suddenly, you’re right in front of him and he’s staring into the camera but you can’t get a good look at him because his face changes into different faces as the fog shifts. Which I admit, was kind of a cool effect. Then he swallows the camera and we’re in a big windowless warehouse, which I guess is inside his stomach, where a bunch of people are stuffing live jellyfish into cardboard boxes and sobbing uncontrollably. Then it cuts to a family dinner table scene in a fancy house where everyone is arguing, and someone draws a gun, but then a giant wolf crashes through the window and steals the roast turkey off the dining table and everyone laughs and hugs, and that becomes a freeze frame, and that was the end of the episode. Overall, the storytelling seemed a bit trite and predictable to me. Also, it’s not even well-lit.

But I’m not here to judge anyone’s taste. I just have a journalistic curiosity about why people like something that’s stupid and bad.

If anyone is listening right now, feel free to call in and tell me what I’m missing.

In the meantime, let’s have a word from our sponsor.

Buffalo Wild Wings. We don’t have one in town, currently. But it’s a great place to hang out with your buddies and eat chicken and watch the game. At least, that’s what we imagine it is based on what we’ve heard. We’ve never actually been to one. But we do get together on Friday nights in the community room at the rec center and pretend we’re at a Buffalo Wild Wings. We eat make-believe chicken and shout at the wall, which we imagine is a big screen television playing a sports game. It's basketball season right now, so we're shouting things like "Slam dunk!" and "Touch that net!" and "Avast ye scallywags, strike the larboard deck!" We talk about the different dipping sauces for the wings, sauces with names like Flamin’ Ranch and Fiery Hot Flames and Destructive BBQ, and we sometimes fan our mouths and say “That’s a hot one, try that one Dave, that’ll put hair on your chest!” We feel closer to each other after these shared experiences, even though we don’t talk about our lives or our feelings directly. It helps us blow off some steam. We get really steamed up sometimes. So if you want to come hang out with your buddies and pretend to eat chicken and watch the game, consider joining Buffalo Wild Wings Role Play Group, Fridays at 7. Wings. Beer. Sports. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention there’s a TON of pretend drinking too, we get absolutely fake hammered in there.

This has been a word from our sponsor.

And now, real estate listings.

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Outhouse. I’m currently drawing a spiral on a piece of paper, tell me when to stop. [Sound of pen drawing circle on paper, stopping]. Okay, let’s see. You got…ooo! Mansion! This eight-bedroom, seven-bathroom estate is located in the exclusive Red Mesa Foothills. It has a tennis court, horse stables, and one of those instant hot water spouts in the kitchen so you can have tea immediately, faster than you would ever need it. You are married to a spaceship designer. It’s not exactly passionate per se but there are trade-offs in every relationship. You have sixteen kids. You are a talk show host, and your main vehicle is [counting under breath] roller skates.

In other listings, there is a house on Old Musk Road. There is one of something in every corner but two in every room. If you can solve this riddle, the house is yours.

Now back to our top story. I’ve been doing this job for a long time. I’ve put a lot of myself into it. It’s not just a part of who I am, it’s the core of my person. I am a broadcaster. But broadcasting is an art that depends on other people hearing it. Otherwise, you’re just talking to yourself, and that’s not an art at all. That’s what you do when you’re home alone putting away the groceries, or muttering about other drivers on the road or sitting in a rocking chair with a blanket folded over your ancient bony knees. Talking to yourself doesn’t serve the community. It doesn’t keep anyone informed. It isn’t providing crucial information about current events. It isn’t an art or a service or a particular skill at all. It’s like the old saying, if a tree falls in the forest and no one’s around to hear it, does that mean everyone is so bored of trees that no one even goes to the forest anymore or gives a flying F about whether a tree lives or dies? That trees have become obsolete and people are just more into shrubbery these days and trees can go F themselves for all anyone cares?

In fact, I could probably get a way with using the F-word here, since no one’s listening. Fedora. Wow, that feels so wrong.

I do have more community news to share but I’m not sure if there’s a point. Actually, if someone could call in to the station, just to let me know they’re listening, that would help a lot. You don’t even have to talk on the air or anything. You can just let the phone ring once so I know you’re out there, that someone hears me, that what I’m doing matters to even one person. The phone lines are open.

[SILENCE] [Note to Jon: would be cool if there was score prior to this and it drops out here to emphasize the silence. Then stays silent in the bg until the weather]

Well. I guess that tells me everything I need to know. I might as well shut things down here at the booth and tune into Antler Cove myself. It’s like the old saying, if a tree falls in the forest, you should get out of there before you’re crushed to death and the woodland creatures feast upon your carcass. Speaking of woodland creatures, I am still legally obligated to broadcast the weather, or else…wolverine stuff happens.

[WEATHER]

Okay, what did I just watch? Like is Anthony actually a werewolf or is Vivienne just trying to make it look like he is so that he gets written out of the will and she gets a larger inheritance? And is Genevieve’s traumatic backstory about being trapped in a potato cellar true or is she just gaining Lucius’s sympathy so she can get access to the town water supply and try out her experimental mind control serum on everyone? And why do so many people keep getting struck by lightning? I do like the B plot about the aliens not getting anything done because they’re so busy petting and playing with cats, because they’ve never seen cats before. But then again, that’s kind of an old trope at this point, right?

I want to like this show, I really do. I want to be able to talk to my friends and neighbors again, to stop being such an outsider in my own community. But I have to be honest, I tried, and I find this show SO boring and cliche, I just can’t do it.

I’d honestly rather listen to the sound of my own voice, talking to no one. Actually, it’s kind of freeing, just broadcasting for myself. I haven’t done that since I was a kid, when I had my political commentary show in the old culvert on Drainage Ditch Road.

I think if I was the last person on earth, I would probably still be broadcasting. And times like right now, when Antler Cove is on and everyone’s at home watching, it almost feels like I am the last person on earth. No one’s out driving or walking their dog. No one’s running errands or working or socializing. The whole city is dark and quiet except for the glow of screens behind closed curtains and the sound of my voice bouncing around the atmosphere with no one to hear it.

I’m a tree in the forest, falling. A man in a radio booth, droning. A person doing something for his own satisfaction, even in a vacuum, even when there’s no one to witness it. I guess that has to be enough sometimes.

Stay tuned for the end credits of Antler Cove.

Me? I’m going to go have a look at the night sky. With the streets so dark and empty, the stars are really popping off y’all.

[sound of a text message being received]

Oh. I just got a text from Carlos. He says… [touched] He says, “Great show tonight, honey. Sorry I couldn’t call earlier, I was wearing my science gloves and doing beaker stuff. If you want any company while stargazing, I just got a new high-powered infrared telescope and we can check out the sulfuric acid clouds on Venus. Or the burning satellite constellation. Ooh, or the hobgoblin of the Milky Way! If you want.”

[Beat]

That sounds just perfect, sweetie. I’ll be home soon. And…thanks for listening. It means a lot to me.

It’s great to be satisfied doing things for and with yourself, but you know what? It’s even better to do them with a ridiculously sexy scientist who you’re madly in love with. Freeze frame. The end.

Good night, Night Vale. Good Night.

Today’s Proverb: Put your money where your mouth is. Seriously, have you ever tasted a dollar bill? They’re delicious.