Don’t upset the apple cart. The apple cart takes things personally and really holds a grudge.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, there has been a murder!

Okay, this isn’t exactly breaking news. It’s the same murder I reported on before, but like, it’s still true, you know? There has been a murder, it just happened slightly longer ago now than when I first reported on it. And even if the murder gets solved, which it currently hasn’t been, I will probably continue to open each show from now on with “Listeners, there has been a murder!” cuz it will always be true and it’s a great hook.

To recap, the angel called “Erika”, formerly known as local billionaire Marcus Vanston, was found deceased in his private library, which was locked from the inside. The body was surrounded by the following objects: a dead venomous snake, a ceremonial dagger from an archeological site in Luftnarp, a length of rope tied into a knot known as “the Devil’s Handshake,” and a book of dirty limericks with every fourth word circled and the handwritten note “it is finished!” on the last page.

His death has cast doubt on the immortality of angels, and finally answered the question of whether angels have blood. According to the coroner’s report, Marcus’s body was filled with a dizzying galaxy of stars, but I forgot to mention there was blood in there as well, quite a bit of blood, way more blood than a typical human body would have. Also six spleens and no other organs.

Of course, it’s reductive to sum up a man’s life by his body parts. He also had lots and lots of money, which is what truly defined him as a person. Angel. Whatever.

But the real story here is that former Night Vale mayor Dana Cardinal, who has been largely absent from public life since stepping down from office, has decided to lead a private investigation into the Vanston murder. Dana was my intern at the radio station for several months, back when she was in college. She used to edit our community calendars, print out traffic reports, and make coffee. In other words, she's a highly trained researcher, and I feel a certain responsibility as her former mentor to help her achieve her goals, which is exactly what I’m going to do on today’s show. And just like when she was an intern, I am taking it upon myself to inundate her with advice, despite her not asking for my help.

But first, the headlines.

The Pinkberry is temporarily closed due to its metamorphosis into a black hole. Franchise owner Mahri Campagno would like to assure the yogurt-loving public that the issue is being resolved. She is collecting bids from contractors right now and anticipates the store will be up and running again early next year. None of the neighboring businesses in the strip mall have been affected aside from the occasional implosion of a Sysco delivery truck that pulls up too close to the curb. As the Pinkberry is located in the Science District, many laboratory researchers are flocking to the site daily to throw objects into the black hole and giggle and high five each other when said objects disappear forever.

In other disappearance news, town founder and ravenous entity Tabitha Littlefield has been on a real tear lately, devouring eight citizens last week alone. We unfortunately don’t have time to name them all here, since the obituary section has been getting kinda out of hand lately, but if you haven’t heard from a friend or family member or neighbor lately, that’s probably what happened to them.

Now, back to the Vanston murder investigation.

Much like Dana, I don’t have any formal detective training—other than being a hard-hitting investigative journalist—so I asked my scientist husband Carlos what he would do, and even though he was totally preoccupied with his experiments at the Pinkberry, he thoughtfully mumbled on his way out the door that I should try Googling it.

Listeners, my husband is a brilliant man. I took his advice and immediately discovered a WikiHow article called How to Solve a Murder, parentheses, With Pictures. It’s crazy there’s so many unsolved murders out there when this simple step-by-step illustrated guide is so readily available! Anyway, I hope you’re listening, Dana, because I am now going to read this helpful how-to over the air and all you have to do is follow along, complete each step, and soon we’ll have this murder, and whatever centuries-old secret it may be covering up, totally solved. Let’s get to work.

[clears throat]

Have you ever been confronted with a murdered corpse and found yourself wondering things like: “why did this happen?” and “who did it?” Solving a murder is hard work, but if you apply good reasoning skills and are willing to let yourself succumb to a spiraling obsession that takes you to the brink of madness and erodes your personal wellbeing and relationships, you’ll be well on your way to becoming an amateur homicide investigator.

Step One. Ask Questions.

When investigating a murder, no detail is too small and no question is irrelevant. For example: On what day of the week did the murder occur? Let’s say it was a Wednesday. Wednesday was named for the Norse god, Odin. Wodensday. In some folkloric accounts, Odin is killed by a wolf monster. Ask yourself, could this person have been killed by a wolf monster? If you live in Vermillion Falls, that is often the solution. In some accounts, Odin requires human sacrifices. Could this person have been a human sacrifice?

Also keep your ears open. What species of birds are chirping in the vicinity? Listen closely for the squawk of a parrot who may have inadvertently witnessed the crime and can mimic the incident back to you verbatim. What was the last song the deceased listened to on Spotify? Was it “What a Feeling” by Irene Cara from the Flashdance soundtrack or “Freak on a Leash” by Korn? Did you know that every murder in the last 40 years has occurred while one of these two songs is playing? Not necessarily playing at the murder, but just playing somewhere in the world at that exact moment. Use your eyes as well. Is there anyone hiding out near the dead body who might be the murderer? Are they grinning in an unsettling way and reaching for something in their pocket as they advance slowly toward you? Write it all down! At this point, you are objectively collecting data and no single piece of information is more important than any other. Avoid jumping to conclusions just yet.

And then there’s an illustration of a pencil writing squiggly lines in a composition book that’s labeled My First Murder Investigation. In the background, there’s a shadowy figure holding a scythe. I’m not sure if the figure is the literal murderer or a metaphoric depiction of death, but I guess that’s the point, right? Take in the data and don’t make assumptions. Wow, I’m learning a lot already.

I don’t know if Dana has a notebook like this to take notes in, specifically the kind with the black and white marbled cover and tear-away sheets, so we’ll give her time to go pick one up before we continue with our how-to. One thing I’ve learned, mainly through watching my son Esteban’s journey with his witchcraft hobby, is that it’s important to follow instructions to the letter. One little improvisation can create a very active black hole where the Pinkberry was.

While we wait for Dana to go buy a composition book, let’s take a side trip on our educational journey to the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

Kangaroos cannot walk backwards. They also can’t look backwards, physically or inwardly, and have no memories. Because of this, time works differently for them. They are creatures of pure momentum. They only move forwards, think only forwards. They do not self-reflect. They are free from trauma or regret. These qualities prepare them to be incredibly successful in business. They’re naturally good gamblers as well. They also tend to rise in the political ranks more quickly than other species, which is why we have so many kangaroo politicians. When a kangaroo dies, its spirit continues hopping through spacetime in an ever-forward chronology. Theoretical physicists hypothesize, however, that time itself is not an ever-forward chronology, that it ultimately bends and loops back on itself. Therefore, when the first ghost of the first kangaroo returns to its origin point, it is a sign of the end of all things.

This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

Now back to solving the Vanston murder.

Let’s see, where were we…Ah yes, here we go. Step Two.

[clears throat]

Step Two. Make a murder board. This will involve yarn, a lot of yarn. And glossy photographs. Newspaper clippings. Poster board. Glue sticks. You’re gonna need to go to a Michael’s craft store, maybe more than once. Once you make the board, it’s important that you look at it for hours without sleeping, pacing around, drinking coffee and mumbling about how it should all add up to something, and why can’t you see it?? However much yarn you think you need for this, you will need more.

Step Three. Accusations. Pick a few of your best suspects, or just people at random, and accuse them of doing the murder to see how they react. Accuse them as dramatically as possible. Really have fun with it. If they confess, you did it, you solved the murder!

Step Four. If you did not obtain a confession in Step Three, go back to your murder board and stare at it even harder and pace around in a real frenzy this time, huffing and puffing and running your hands through your hair and working up a sweat. “I know there’s something here, some connection I’m missing,” you say to yourself. “It should be so obvious! It’s staring right at me!” That’s when you look out the window and see a twisted face on the other side of the glass, in the rainy darkness, literally staring right at you. In a flash, the face is gone. You could almost believe you imagined it. But you know what you saw.

Step Five. You rush outside, but of course, no one is there.

Step Six. As soon as you return to the safety of your office, you hear a scratching sound outside. A note is shoved under the door. “I know who you are,” the note says in bold childish scrawl, “But you don’t know who I am.” The message is punctuated with a smiley face. You don’t open the door this time; you lock it with the deadbolt and look around desperately for a weapon in case you need to defend yourself. But HR did a workplace safety sweep recently and there isn’t even anything with a sharp edge on it—no scissors, no thumbtacks, nothing. Everything is dull and soft and safe. “It’s probably just a prankster anyway,” you say to yourself. But you don’t really believe that, do you?

That’s interesting. The illustration for this one looks a lot like the outside of my office here at the station. Flimsy plywood door at the end of a long, dark hallway. A glowing ON AIR sign. The perspective on it is a bit odd, like it’s from the POV of someone crouching down in the office supply alcove near the restrooms. I know, because I’ve crouched in that closet myself many times, whenever I need a little break.

[pause]

Wait a second. I think I hear someone out in the hall. Weird, no one should be in the building right now.

[pause]

Well. Sometimes intern applicants drop in without a scheduled interview. There’s been a lot of renewed interest in the internship program lately since Dana’s been back in the news. I better check it out. While I do that, let’s go to the weather.

[The Weather]

Listeners, there has been a murder! Like for real, another one. I don’t recognize the person, but I can tell from the bloodstained application clutched in their hand that they were, in fact, an internship candidate. I’m no expert, but this murder doesn’t seem as premeditated or detailed as the Vanston murder. I don’t see any daggers or snakes, but there is a book of dirty limericks, this time with every third word circled and the handwritten note “it has begun!” on the last page. And someone has tied a spare XLR cable from the supply closet into another complicated knot. I’m no expert, but it looks like a, you know, like maybe a shoelace knot? What’s that called? A…bow! Yes.

Of course, we can’t be sure if this is the same killer or some cheap copycat. And we don’t know if this unfortunate pre-intern was the intended target or happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Step one said: “Avoid jumping to conclusions just yet”. Let’s just look at the evidence and see what we can learn. I’ve picked up the dirty limerick book, so let’s start there. Here’s the first poem, circled words only.

[limerick cadence:]

Hm hm was hm hm from hm-hm-hm

Hm hm and hm hm said hm-hm-hm

Hm hm with hm hm

and hm hm-hm-hm

let’s hm-hm-hm hm every hm-hm-hm

Wow, that was a lot filthier than I expected. I apologize, listeners, for reading that on the air. I’m sure I’ll be hearing from the FCC tomorrow. Not sure about the significance of these words yet, but step one is just to objectively collect data, right? What was step two, listen for parrots? Dana, are you out there? Did you buy your composition notebook yet? I'm a little bit over my head right now.

I should probably get the Sheriff's Secret Police over here too. And someone who can identify this body. I should also put this limerick book back where I found it. I think it was over here in the blood pool. Or was it by the victim’s outstretched hand? Either way, to the friends and family of whoever this is, I want to extend my sincere condolences. I’m sure your loved one would have made a great intern.

I guess I could just go out and read the name off their resume, but I think I better wait for the professionals to handle this one. I’m not actually sure amateur detective-ing is something I want to get involved with at the moment. I’ve been really busy lately with work and family stuff, and the whole homicide investigation thing seems pretty time consuming. But if anyone else wants to come take a look at this body, please feel free to come over. I’ll just be here, locked in my booth until sun-up.

Of course…I guess that’s no guarantee of safety, is it? Marcus Vanston was locked in his library when they found him.

Oh wait, I never finished the WikiHow article! Maybe that will give us some insight about what to do now. Let me skip to the last step here. [Mumbled reading/skimming under breath, then]: Okay, here it is, Step Twelve, Solve the Murder. (pause) Huh.

It’s just a bunch of lines and loops that seem to be growing, converging in a frantic scribble all over the webpage, obliterating everything that was once here. I can’t see the other steps at all anymore, just a dense tangle of letters and images layered on top of each other. I can almost make out the letter R…? Oh, and a giant eyeball, I think…A freaky insect of some kind? Maybe. I can’t be sure. Underneath the scribbling, I can see the website source code bleeding through like the aluminum powder behind the screen of an Etch-a-Sketch. Beyond the code, a dizzying galaxy of stars. Beyond the stars, a black hole. No—a portal. A glimpse into another place and time. I see dinosaurs running across a grassy plain. I see great buildings rising to the sky, then falling back into dust. I see water and fire becoming one, smoke and steam blending into a single endless opaque vapor, covering the earth.

[Pause]

Good news, listeners! Looks like one of the Secret Police’s undercover hologram helicopters is landing outside the station as we speak. It’s impossible to see it of course, since it blends in flawlessly with the evening sky and the pavement stripes and even my Cecil Only Parking sign, but the ultra-loud sound of the chopping rotor blades is a dead giveaway. I better go out in the hallway and point at the body and scream, so they know where to look. Anyway, I really hope we get to the bottom of this alarming situation soon. And I hope that how-to guide was helpful to you, Dana, and any other amateur sleuths out there. Together, I’m confident we can once again make Night Vale a safe place to live, aside from the countless other things that cause bizarre and sudden deaths here on a daily basis. Like our town founder, for instance. She’s trouble, that one.

Stay tuned for a seemingly inconsequential event that will have a drastic, irreversible effect on the rest of your life.

Goodnight, Night Vale. Good night.

[beat]

[from a distance, screaming] OH MY GOD IT’S A BODY, A BODY FROM A MURDER, IT’S RIGHT HERE AHHHHH

PROVERB: You are what you eat, you turkey. You lasagna. You little pudding cup.