Dare to be different. Be the change you wish to see. Fake it till you make it. But always be yourself. Welcome to Night Vale.

###

The Sheriff's Secret Police have formed an ad hoc committee to decide upon procedures for organizing a task force that will oversee a new intradepartmental team of investigators who can delegate collection of evidence that will enable the Sheriff to name a person of interest in the murder case of Jalen Rutherford.

Jalen Rutherford, 21, of Old Town Night Vale, was found dead right here at our radio station two weeks ago. Cause of death is unknown but the Sheriff's Secret Police is not ruling out the 28 stab wounds Rutherford sustained in less than a minute.

"Just let us wrap our heads around this for a day or two, you guys," a Secret Police spokesperson said. "We're still in the preliminary phases of scheduling a staff meeting to plan a hearing that will decide what we'll call our Ad Hoc Committee."

The spokesperson was then asked by reporters if they thought the murder of Jalen Rutherford might be related to the murder of Marcus Vanston. The spokesperson got a little snippy and said, "I don't know. Go ask God. The Sheriff don't believe in angels, so, they don't really consider the Vanston case to be a murder."

But then another Secret Police spokesperson whispered in the first spokesperson's ear. After this he said, "I'm being told Marcus Vanston was a billionaire, which the Sheriff very much believes in. So yeah, I guess we'll look into that one."

More on this soon. But let's have a look now at the community calendar.

###

This Thursday night through Sunday afternoon, the Night Vale Rec Center will be hosting the annual Outsider Art Show, featuring work by untrained but talented artists who exist beyond the plane of human comprehension. These outsiders will showcase oil paintings, watercolors, photography, glowing tesseracts containing trillions of universes, mixed media sculptures, pastels, and kaleidoscopic visions of a forgotten tomorrow. Tickets are $35 for a day pass or $75 for the premium weekend pass, which allows buyers into a Thursday night wine and cheese reception with the artists and a sneak peek of the afterlife.

Friday morning marks the opening day of the Winter Craft Market in Mission Grove Park. The Winter Craft Market will run every day until December 25, which is a holiday that we apparently cannot say the name of out loud any more, becaaaaauuuuseeee… I lost my notes. Oh! Here they are. Christmas! Yes, the Winter Craft Market runs through Christmas.

Sunday afternoon, at the High School Gymnasium, there will be the first annual Night Vale Video Game Festival. There will be competitions in e-sports like NBA 2K and Madden. But there will also be classic video games to play like Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Weird Pac-Man, VR Golem, Super Ouija Board Deluxe, and Microsoft Word. So whether you're a skilled gamer, a nostalgic weekender, or just kind of a lowlife, there's a video game for you.

Monday is Trivia Night at Giant Jim's Biergarten and Discount Lube & Tune. So bring your knowledge of geography, history, and pop culture to Giant Jim and be ready to answer tough questions about world capitals, top-40 hits, and where you were last Monday night when you said you couldn't come because you were working late. Your wife called your office, and they said you left at 5, like normal. Let's see you answer THAT trivia question, Dennis.

Finally, Tuesday is feeling neglected. Always in the shadow of Monday. Not as big as the hump of Wednesday, and sure everyone loves saying Taco Tuesday. But you can tell they don’t really mean it. Tuesday would just like a bit more acknowledgement about what it brings to the week.

###

Okay, so my friend Dana Cardinal finally got around to buying that composition notebook and studying up on how to solve murders. Diving headfirst into the investigation of Marcus Vanston's murder was pretty overwhelming for her, but now that there's been another murder, Dana's starting to see things more clearly.

She's trying to tie the two killings together. Both had some kind of knot left at the scene, as well as dirty limericks with key words circled. That can't be coincidental.

But, Dana points out that since I reported publicly what the police found inside Marcus's library, next to his ethereal and angelic body, it's possible that this second murder was a copy-cat. Frankly, I didn’t love her tone when she said that. Ok, apparently I was supposed to leave out key details, how am I supposed to know this stuff, I’m just a journalist.

First, there was no noticeable wounds to Marcus' body, no clear cause of death. But the intern applicant at my radio station was stabbed. That feels like a crime of passion. Premeditated to be sure, but sloppier, less refined than the locked room mystery of Marcus Vanston.

Dana said she wants to talk to the people who knew Jalen Rutherford and see if there are any connections between him and Marcus Vanston. I told her I remember he had inquired about interning a few weeks back. He was an archaeology student at Night Vale Community College, which I only remember because it was an unusual academic track for a radio intern. But the next thing I heard from Jalen was the thump of his already-dead body hitting the linoleum floor of the station foyer.

[Cecil's producer, Elise, says something in his ear.]

Yes, Elise.

Sorry, my producer's yammering at me in my headphones. Elise says Jalen didn't let out a yell or anything. So either he knew the person who killed him, or it happened so suddenly and unexpectedly, he couldn't react. Did I get that right, Elise? Great.

Also, I asked Dana about Night Vale's town founder Tabitha Littlefield, who re-emerged from a chrysalis after being dead for 150 years. Well, Tabitha's been walking around town devouring people willy nilly-like, and shouldn't we suspect her of murder?

But Dana snapped back, saying "First off Cecil, she's our town founder. Be respectful." Dana continued: "Secondly, even if you call a town founder devouring her citizens quote-"murder", it doesn't at all match the M.O. of these other two cases."

Fair enough.

###

Let's take a break for a word from our sponsors. For more on that, here's Deb, a Sentient Patch of Haze, with a message from Williams Sonoma. Oh, wow, I love Williams Sonoma. They have a lot of great artisanal products and creative consumer concepts for the domestic lifestyle. Tell us more, Deb.

DEB: Why don't you go ahead and do it, Cecil. Sounds like you've already started.

CECIL: Oh, Deb, no I didn't mean to

DEB: I'm just joshin' with ya, Cecil.

CECIL: Oh [laughs, relieved] that's a good josh there, Deb! You… you… funny one. You.

DEB: Listeners, do you live in a home? Do you have a place where you sleep and eat and share, perhaps, with other people? Do you like to cook, to entertain? Do you love to socialize, maybe with family or friends?

I bet you do.

I bet you like to hear people tell stories about their jobs and their vacations. Their kids and spouses. You are probably a very open person who loves to hand someone a glass of Nebbiolo in a Vintage Etched Goblet (starting at $21.95) and ask them to share their deepest feelings with you.

You're probably the type of person to make a seven-layer dip in a 2-quart Le Creuset Heritage Stoneware casserole dish with cover (Sale price $70 through the end of the year).

You hover over the snack table and whisper, "Tell me your secrets," and your guest does. They spill everything. They tell you about how they lied to their friends and their wife about working late, and instead of going to trivia night, they met HER at a hotel bar. And the two of them laughed and talked and touched lightly. Then they laughed and didn't talk and touched heavily. And later on they said "See you soon" to each other, not knowing how long "soon" would be.

And as your guest takes another canape from the Provence Hand-painted Serving Platter ($139.95), they begin to cry. You whisk them away to the utility room so they won’t make a scene, and you hug your friend until your breaths are in sync. A tearful gaze into each other's eyes, and you are back at the party. You know you are a good friend. You know you are a keeper of secrets. You know you are a holder of power. You know that this information will come in so very very handy.

And as you bring out the homemade Red Velvet Cake for your guests, which is perched atop your Mackenzie-Childs Cake Pedestal with Large Check Pattern ($149.95), you warmly offer a toast to loyalty, "the only truly important trait in life," and you watch your cheating friend squirm and avert their eyes in shame. Good, you think. Gooooood.

Williams Sonoma: We can keep a secret. In style.

CECIL: Thank you, Deb. Oh, hey, I’ve been wanting the radio station staff to do some fun events outside of work. That Monday trivia night sure is getting a lot of buzz

DEB: Oh, sorry, I got my poetry classes on Monday night.

CECIL: Ooh, like slam poetry?

DEB: No, I think poems have to have some kind of structure. They definitely need rhythm like iambic meters, and a rhyme scheme like AABBA. That sort of thing. Everything else isn't really poetry. It's just a jazzy diary.

CECIL: But what about the work of Ezra Pound, whose free verse was so musical in its form, as to almost mimic classical structured pieces?

[long pause]

Deb?

I think she's gone.

###

Now back to the unsolved murder cases. All of Night Vale is in a panic over these killings. The killer (or killers) are still at large, and everyone in town is pointing fingers and naming names.

I always loved playing the game "Who's That Over There?" Where someone points at another person and you then have to shout their name out loud. It's such a great way to relieve the tension of paranoia and angst. Plus that game goes on for a long time in a public place.

But the friendly tones of "Who's That Over There" have been replaced by the sinister tones of "J'Accuse!" which is a similar game, but after you shout the name, you also shout "J'Accuse!" and then you chase them until a mob forms and then decides on what to do with this obvious deviant.

Many innocent people are being blamed for these killings, and none of us are experts in murder investigations. We cannot rely on random people to bring the perpetrator to justice. We have to rely on Dana Cardinal, one random person, to do this.

Sure, any Joe Blow could say "Oh I bet Josh Crayton, the shapeshifter boy, killed that angel because he could have turned himself into a tiny fly to get in and out of that locked room" or "Doopty Doo, must have been that sentient patch of haze, Deb, and her sister Caitlyn, who contains very high Carbon Monoxide levels. Deb could have easily distracted Marcus with her funny impressions of various animals in pain, and then Caitlyn could have hovered over him invisibly until he succumbed to her CO. Oh I guess I have it all figured out doopty dee."

I mean, come on, Night Vale. This isn't helping. We need to allow untrained investigators, like Dana, to do research, talk to witnesses, and gather evidence. Only then can we play the Blame Game, which is that game where someone dresses up as the Scapegoat and other people project their own misdeeds onto them as they kick the beast repeatedly. It's a really fun game, and it'd be a great way to celebrate once we capture the actual criminal here.

###

Speaking of investigators, the Sheriff's Secret Police's ad hoc committee has finally decided upon procedures for organizing a task force that is now overseeing a new intradepartmental team of investigators who have delegated collection of evidence that enables the Sheriff to name a person of interest in the murder cases of Jalen Rutherford and the Angel Erika (aka Marcus Vanston).

And the Sheriff has announced that they do have a person of interest. And that person is not a person at all. It's… oh no. It's Deb, the Sentient Patch of Haze. And her sister Caitlyn.

The Sheriff's Secret police said they were listening to my show and they heard me lay out a compelling narrative for how Deb and her sister Caitlyn could have killed Marcus Vanston in a locked room.

That's kind of sweet that they listen to my show. Shout out, Sheriff Sam.

But no, wait! I was just riffing. I was doing an impression of a stupid person and what they would think. I wasn't trying to accuse Deb or her sister of… Oh god, Deb, if you're still here or can hear me on the radio, I'm sorry I brought up your name at all. I didn't mean to get you involved in this.

The Secret Police are mobilizing their dehumidifier unit to Deb's residence, which is by the pond out back of Michael Dixon's farmhouse. Deb, if you can hear me, run!

Or.

Float? Drift? I don't know how you move actually?

Dissipate, Deb, and become one with the weather.

###

WEATHER

###

The Sheriff's Secret Police raided Deb's home. No Deb. No Caitlyn. They then went to the home of her poetry teacher, Mickey Gerrard, and asked if Deb had been writing any dirty limericks in class. "That's all she writes," Gerrard said. "She's very good at it. In fact, here's a really funny one where she manages to rhyme "a truck in front" with …"

"That's great!" the Secret Police interrupted. "We have all the evidence we need. This patch of haze is going down."

But Deb had already turned herself in. She was at the police station, giving a deposition.

"Oh me and my sis, we've got nothin to hide, do we now," Deb said to the detectives, in her chummiest, folksiest accent.

Deb spent 30 minutes in the interrogation room charming the cops with hilarious jokes and wild stories from her many years reading ad copy. Including that one time she had to do a make-good because she started laughing in the middle of her spot for Red Lobster. The copy said "endless shrimp" and she was so tickled imagining just one long shrimp into infinity. "Oh, they were steamin' mad, I tell ya," Deb said as the cops howled with laughter.

She told the police that she understood why she was a suspect, but she was out of town on both nights those murders took place. She and Caitlyn had been visiting their family in Los Angeles. "Don't know why they all moved to LA," Deb joked. "That whole place is just a patch of haze, am I right?"

And the cops laughed and one of them said "oh, Deb, you’re so right!" Though none of them had ever been more than 10 miles outside of Night Vale.

Deb apologized to the cops for the confusion and offered them all discount codes for Williams Sonoma and as she was leaving, she turned back and said:

"If you're really serious about who killed Marcus Vanston, you oughta look into that Faceless Old Woman. She's pretty vengeful, and she can get in and out of locked rooms like zip zap zop."

And then she said as far as that Jalen kid goes, the murder happened during the weather segment of the radio show. You couldn't hear what Cecil and his producer were doing during that time.

"Worth a look, don'tcha think?" Deb concluded. "Even though, I don't think Cecil did it. He's got a weak constitution and all."

Hey! My IBS is well-managed! That's unfair of Deb to say any of that.

Plus the police already interviewed me and Elise the night of Jalen's murder. She even called in the crime.

[Elise talking]

Yes, Elise, and I was hiding under my desk.

Well, thankfully, the police are friendly and understanding people and were easily swayed from investigating further by simple charm and some discount codes. I'm glad Deb's free. But the killer is still at large. Be afraid, Night Vale, but don't let the fear control you. Panicking will not help.

Honestly, I don't think the police will either, buuuuut at least Dana has promised me that she has some new leads just tonight. She's following Marcus's money, and only days before his death, he wrote a will, which left everything to Night Vale Community College to establish a new Business School. That's weird that an angel, who should be immortal, would have a will at all, Dana said.

There are answers to be found, Night Vale, but Justice works slowly.

(Really slowly when it comes to our Town Founder, who ate three more people in the Barista District tonight. But that's old news I suppose.)

Don't worry Night Vale, Dana will catch this killer yet.

Stay tuned next for a creaking floorboard late at night in your darkened home.

###

PROVERB: Take the road less traveled. Yessss. Come up the darkened forest path off the paved city street. Yesssss. That's it…. Keep coming.